Five Alarm TV

“What Better Way for Kids to Be Introduced to Racial Prejudice Than a Hanna-Barbera Cartoon?”

2011-02-27T06:35:00.000-08:00

MAY CONTAIN SPOILERS

Last Time… The crew of the Calico investigated some strange weather conditions in Egypt, Statues came to life, There was our first Kaiju Handicap Match, A bunch of retreaded gags from Abbott and Costello movies, and Brock went shirtless for all the ladies (and for some reason Quinn insists on dressing like she’s spending the weekend in Alaska).

Episode Four, Season One -- “ The Megavolt Monster.”

Episode Cast:
Peter… Does He Go to School?
Brock… Everybody’s Gofer.
Quinn… Hot Velma.
Cat. Majors… KKK Member?
Godzilla… Smartest One Here.
Godzooki… Mugging the Camera.

Comments/Summary:
Our episode begins aboard a large oil tanker where the captain and his man Friday (not trying to be racist here folks, but we all know that’s what’s going on there) as they marvel over some strange electrical readings. In fact, they find it so interesting that they don’t seem to notice the mammoth arches of lightning shooting out of the ocean all over their ship. It turns out a strange aquatic creature is shooting the bolts into the ship and, before long, explosions begin decimating the ship. The crew abandons ship. Once everyone is off the ship, they wonder what could’ve caused the destruction. *ominous musical cue*

We then go aboard the Calico where we find Brock chewing out Godzooki for… well, being born I guess. You know, I always thought Brock was some sort of scientist or expert in some sort of hifalutin field, but I guess he’s just a ships hand. I can never recall him doing anything except menial sea faring chores or loafing around with a ten year old boy and a dragon. It must’ve been the glasses that threw me off. Anyway, Brock sounds like he’s already picked out the where, when, and how of Godzooki’s untimely demise when Quinn interrupts his homicidal fantasy.
Quinn and, get this, Pete have just received word of the oil tanker being sunk by “a bolt of lightning” and decide they need to investigate. I could ask why Pete is tasked with taking this information down while Brock--a reasonably sensible adult--is mopping the deck, but I’m not going to. I KNOW WHY Pete isn’t mopping. It’s because Brock is a BLACK MAN on a ship with a bunch of WHITE FOLKS. Sure, it was the seventies, but that doesn’t mean anything. I bet Majors still calls Brock “Boy.”

This is a SICK world with a bunch of SICK people in it!

Okay where was I? Um, lets see… giant monster… Godzooki… white supremacist assholes… Oh yeah, Quinn is all wet over the idea of lightning coming out of the sea and hopes it will be a new source of energy. Brock tells Pete about all legends surrounding the area (Oh sure, the black guy knows all the superstitions! Next thing you know Majors is gonna ask to borrow Brock’s spear. Jesus Christ). All the talk stops when they see the electrical discharges coming from the ocean.

The next day, Quinn and Brock decide to explore with a Bantha Sphere. Of course, Godzooki has to follow (maybe Brock will kill him after all!). After a few shenanigans, they meet up with the cause of all the disturbances and get stranded at the bottom of a very deep trench. Majors and Pete realize the sphere has been cut off from the Calico and then come face to face with the monster in short order. The monster goes as far as to wrap itself around the boat. Finally, Majors pages Godzilla to come and save their butts.

Godzilla does show up, but the Megavolt Monster retreats. Godzilla follows and gets his foe in the deadly reverse bear hug, but the monster eventually escapes. Elsewhere, Godzooki is tasked by Pete to retrieve the Bantha Sphere. Unfortunately, Brock and Quinn have slipped into a supposedly bottomless trench. As they float downward, they suddenly break through the water in open air. The sphere crashes into a sandy plain that is below the ocean. Quinn deduces that air pressure has created an air bubble that--Hell, I don’t know. Both of them decide to explore much to Majors’ chagrin. They laugh off his worries until they almost immediately come face to face with two more Megavolt Monsters!

Neither of ‘em say it, but they both know they’re totally screwed.

Quinn and Brock get cornered by the beasts; however, Godzooki shows up just in time to… scare them away? Wow, these monsters are a bunch of pussies! The trio ducks into the cave just before the monsters decide Godzooki can’t take them both on.

On the surface, Majors and Pete decide to use Godzilla to reach the air bubble at the bottom of the trench. They do so by letting Godzilla carry them down in his hand. Wait. No, no, NO! I refuse to swallow this load of horse crap. I’m usually more than willing to buy pseudo-science manure from this show, but I will not be made the fool by accepting that being enclosed in Godzilla’s hand will counteract the tremendous air pressure from descending so far, nor creating a seal that will prevent water from rushing in, nor the fact that Godzilla wouldn't crush them into bean curd. Just no.

Anyhow, Quinn, Brock, and Godzooki are surprised to find out that the monsters have left them alone in order to recharge themselves. They use this time to get out of the cave (which was collapsing around them anyway). This doesn’t last very long though because the monsters immediately spot them again and attack. Of course, Godzilla shows up on the scene in order to battle the electrical monsters. Godzooki tries to help, but only succeeds in making himself laugh since life and death situations are SO DAMN FUNNY. The two Megavolt Monsters prove to be a handful for the King of the Monsters, whose fire breath and rock throwing abilities prove to be ineffective.

Quinn deduces that a section of glowing rocks is the source of the monsters’ powers and Brock devises a plan to destroy them. Godzooki ends up succeeding in Brock’s plan, but also breaks the boundary of the air bubble. This causes the integrity of the air bubble to start collapsing. Realizing it would be best if they just stop touching things and leave, the crew piles into the Bantha Sphere in hopes that nobody will make them pay for the damages.

The monsters notice the ensuing calamity just in time to get swept up in a wave of ocean water. Brock tries his best to convince Godzooki that he must stay behind and perish in the disaster, but that son of a bitch Pete reminds Godzooki he can swim. Pete, you stop messing with natural selection. Charles Darwin would not be pleased.

Godzilla helps them escape the air bubble only to run head long into the first Megavolt Monster, which results in Kaiju Big Battle round three! Godzilla eventually conquers the beast with a bear hug and sends the monster scurrying back to the trench. Back on the Calico, everybody laughs off the entire experience while Godzooki pushes the boat to safety (I guess they lost power when the monster tried to Manda the ship). Just another day in the life of a precocious young boy, boat captain, smokin’ scientist, and their indentured servant.

Scorecard:
Three explosions, Fire breath, Thundershock attack, Inexplicable science jargon all over the place, auto-erotic asphyxiation, One scary legend, One important scientific discovery (one every episode), Glowing rocks, Belly flopping, Smoking, and innumerable laws of physics that were either bent to a ludicrous degree or ignored outright in less than twenty-five minutes.

Quotes

Brock: “Godzooki, would you get out of the way! You’re getting footprints where I just mopped.”
*Godzooki Flattens his Mop Bucket*
Brock (in fist shaking rage): “GODZOOOOOOKKKKIIII!”

Majors: “I’ve set the course, Quinn, we should be there by morning.”
Pete: “How deep is this Valley Trench, Captain Majors?”
Majors: “No one’s really sure, Pete.”
Brock: “An old sea legend says it’s bottomless… and inhabited by sea monsters.”

Majors: “Could this be some sort of freak phenomenon?”
Quinn: “I don’t think a freak phenomenon would happen twice in such a short time, Carl.”

Majors: “We need Godzilla!”
Pete: “Not even Godzilla can be two places at once, maybe Godzooki can help!”
Me: “Fuck.”

Pete: “Godzooki can do it! Godzooki can do everything!”

Next Time… Good question, it’ll probably be a while before I can get to the next episode since this is the end of Volume One on DVD. I’m sure that there will be more monsters for Godzilla to whoop, more nerves for Godzooki to grind, more techno-jargon for Quinn to recite, more chores for Brock, and I would bet my bottom dollar that Majors will have plenty more opportunities to say, “We need Godzilla!”

Rating: 3.

David F. Friedman Passes On.

2011-02-22T06:20:00.000-08:00

I'm a week late on this one, but I just got word this morning courtesy of Something Weird Video that David F. Friedman passed away on February 14, 2011. While I can't claim to have known him personally or professionally, his name was oft used in my house and I'm sure it will remain so.

Friedman made many films, most notably with H. G. Lewis, and some of them can truly be considered gems of 60s/70s smut. If you are interested in the culture of those two decades--especially underground pop culture--than you should do yourself a favor and look up his films.

No updates in February

2011-02-15T07:02:00.001-08:00

Now the promises are all dead and gone. Trying to set aside time that I don't have, so I'll get back to this when I get back to it.

Do I dare say March?

Updates in Febuary.

2011-01-24T08:46:00.000-08:00

Starting next month I'm looking to get back on schedule and doing two articles a month. Hopefully, I will get back to some shows that have been neglected for months now (Godzilla comes to mind). My time is at such a premium that it may be difficult for a while.

“A Small Child Controls the Fate of a 60 Foot Tall Gorilla AND The Will of Science Itself in…”

2011-01-03T10:05:00.000-08:00

MAY CONTAIN SPOILERS

Last Time… Tom saved the world by complete accident, The Pentagon doesn’t appear to be very sanitary, A golf course worked as a front for a major government operation, There was killer vermin, Parlor tricks, and some of our hero’s trademark “small thinking.”

Episode Two, Segment Three -- “Dr. Who.”

Episode Cast:
Bobby… In Charge of Everything.
Susan… More Than Just a Coat Rack.
King Kong… Recruit for the Clippers.
Prof. Bond… Invites Evil People to Dinner.
Dr. Who… So Obviously Evil! (debut)
Zigfried… MR Henchman. (debut)

Comments/Summary:
Oh. My. God. We open on this episode with Bobby using his foot to work some sort of Rube Goldbergian contraption that uses an innumerable set of pulleys to work a feather duster that cleans off Kong’s back. Seriously, this is the first image they wanted for us to see? Where the Hell did they get all the metal to make that stupid thing and WHY would they use it for such a needless task? Find a freaking palm tree ya nerds! I’m especially curious to how they procured a feather duster that must be TEN FEET LONG. Is there some sort of specialty mail service I should be aware of?

Anyway, Bobby stops this improbable nonsense (he was using his foot to nonchalantly work a mechanism that operates a feather duster bigger than him) when he hears a faint whistling on the wind. He figures it’s Susan calling for him. His assumption is correct and Susan tells him that their father wants to talk to him.

Bobby arrives shortly thereafter to be introduced to Dr. Who. Bobby takes one look at the guy and is suspicious. I don’t blame him either because Dr. Who is the most obvious bad guy I’ve ever seen in a cartoon; the “fellow student of science” has got a sloping forehead, beady eyes, exactly two hairs on his head, and a hunched back. Taking all of that into account makes him inscrutable at the very least. Add in the fact that he’s got the skin complexion of a ghoul and you’ve got yourself one evil looking son of a bitch.

Dr. Who congratulates Bobby on discovering Kong and starts to pitch his desire to study Kong; however, Bobby doesn’t even let him finish before refusing his request. Dr. Who is aghast that the Professor leaves such an important decision up to a pig headed little boy that dresses like an extra from Gilligan’s Island (and he’s got a point, the whole arrangement seems a bit absurd). His uppity behavior forces Bond to ask him to leave, but Who decides to pull a pistol on them instead. Alright! Somebody is finally going to just massacre these fools instead of taking their shit. Susan then walks in and joins the firing line. Way to be, doll, way to be.

Instead of killing them right there (darn), he demands that Bobby tell him where Kong is. Bobby says the big ape will never obey him, but Dr. Who isn’t concerned about it. He states that there are “certain gasses” that can do the trick. He even gives out a pretty good evil laugh for such a little guy. He then assigns his henchman, Zigfried, to keep an eye on them. Zigfried is, of course, a mentally retarded sailor with a pistol and a cigar. Why is it these super genius villains always end up hiring the worst possible help? Is he just such an insufferable jack ass that most people can’t stand to be around him or are these cartoons trying to say that the handicapped have no moral scruples?

You know, I don’t know if I’m comfortable hanging around this show anymore…

After Dr. Who makes his departure, Zigfried immediately has trouble with his assignment because Bond and Bobby keep whispering back and forth to each other. He chides them for being impolite but they don’t stop. Man, that would torque me off: some guy is holding me up at gunpoint AND he wants me to be polite to him? Screw that noise! Despite all their whispering, it’s Susan who comes up with an idea. She offers to serve dinner for everybody and (surprise) Zigfried is more than happy to sit down to a meal.

Elsewhere, Dr. Who’s helicopter locates Kong and drops a sleeping gas bomb on him. The expulsion knocks out the gorilla instantly. I mean he Flair Flops after a whiff of the stuff. Dr. Who is pleased.

Back at the Bond household, Susan pours Zigfried some coffee and spills it on his hand so Bond can punch his lights out. Bobby grabs the pistol from the prone guard and vows a Charles Bronson like revenge against the good doctor. Well, okay, maybe not but that would be far more interesting than what actually happens.

That night, Dr. Who’s men use several helicopters with ropes to haul Kong into the air. They pretty much do the same thing that they tried in King Kong vs. Godzilla if you need a visual aid. The Who Crew succeed in getting Kong into the cargo bay of their freighter and ready to take off back to wherever they decided to make home base.

Professor Bond gets onto the Freighter and uses a special concoction that awakens the sleeping Kong. Bobby’s nasally voice somehow sends Kong into destruction mode and he destroys Dr. Who’s ship and captures all the sailors manning it. Dr. Who tries the oft relied upon evil-genius tactic of bitching at Kong until he submits; however, Kong sends a splash of water at his helicopter. Dr. Who decides to retreat, vowing to return one day to capture Kong.

Bobby seems pretty irate that Who is just going to get away that easily, yet Bond doesn’t seem too worried and says that they haven’t seen the last of him. Great, take the Superfriends approach to dealing with villainy. He’s going to come back again, so why bother pursuing him for his crimes? This is the guy that held both your kids at gunpoint, YOU LAZY ASS!

We then go to Kong resting up for next week. Bobby introduces the teaser for next week’s show, which looks like a rip-snorter. Thirty seconds of that mess and then we go to the end credits.

Easily the best segment of the show thus far. Kong and crew have finally met a villain that can pose a huge threat. I’m still kind of confused as to what happened to all the dinosaurs that were on Skull… I mean Mondo Island, but it was otherwise six minutes of harmless fun. Just stop your whispering!

Scorecard:
Two pistols, One punch to the face, One McDonald’s lawsuit, One evil laugh, One bomb, The biggest date rape drug you’ve ever seen, Five helicopters, One battleship, One case of HR deficiency, Possible openings for job coaching, and Unexplained dues ex machina.

Quotes
Susan: “Not you, ya big clown! I’m calling Bobby.”
Bobby: “Here I am, what do you want?”
Susan: “Father wants you ONE THE DOUBLE!”

Bond: “I apologize for my son’s abrupt manner but, like I said before, it is up to him alone.”
Dr. Who: “You mean you are going to listen to that little brat?!?”
Bond: “Dr. Who, I’m afraid I must ask you to leave my house.”

Zigfried: “Cut out that whisperin, it ain’t polite!”

Susan: “Look, what you do with that gorilla is your business--he’s just a nuisance anyway--but what happens to my roast beef is MY business. I worked hard all day in that kitchen and I won’t stand here while my meat spoils.”

Zigfried: “Ah come on you guys, you’re whisperin’ again!”

Next Time… Dr. Who appears again, There’s rocket launches, Evil schemes, Insane laughter, Bowling, Moe child endangerment, and hairy gorilla ass that must smell horrid in that heat. Yuck.

Rating: 2.

“Betcha Didn’t Know Government Officials Are Schooled in the Performing Arts, Did Ya?”

2010-12-25T18:54:00.000-08:00

[ Why Yes, it is a special holiday review right here at Five Alarm TV! It's Christmas time and, though I am not the Hug-Ya-Lots type of guy, I thought I'd treat my readers and new comers off the streets to one of my lovely reviews. Enjoy! ]

MAY CONTAIN SPOILERS

Last Time… There was something strange in the neighborhood and nobody to call, We found out excavation companies have pretty lax standards for their superiors, A bald man tried to murder a child with a large piece of construction equipment, There were death threats, and Susan continued to do as little as possible so that she had more time to complain.

Episode Two, Segment Two -- “Hey That Was A Close One, World!”

Episode Cast:
Tom… Lamest Savior of the World Ever.
The Chief… Needs Better Glasses.
Swinging Jack… Forgetful.
Secretary… Possibly OCD?
M.A.D… A-WALL.

Comments/Summary:
Wow, it has been a while since I sat down and watched some Tom of T.H.U.M.B. Not that I’m complaining or anything, he’s about as much fun as the Wonder Twins. I did go as Swinging Jack to a Halloween Party, but everyone said I had to leave because it was “very offensive.” It’s kind of strange since I was in black face last year and nobody seemed to mind. Anyway, after our introductory song and dance (there are some cheerleaders that spell out Tom’s organization in the intro) we find the one and I guess only T.H.U.M.B. secretary answering “the hotline.” The hotline is a red glowing phone straight out of Adam West’s closet. Oddly enough, she only answers it after putting on an ungainly black glove. I’m not sure what the significance is for that. Maybe she’s a germ-a-phobe… or a giallo killer. It’s the chief on the other end (also wearing a black glove… what the Hell?) and demands Tom come to the Pentagon because the world is in danger.

The secretary goes to her top secret filing cabinet and informs Tom (who lives inside if you recall the first episode). Tom deduces that the world being in danger is not a good thing and has Swinging Jack start the helicopter. We also get our first “gusting wind” gag of the episode. Hooray.

Tom and Jack’s helicopter flies to the Chief’s office only to get blown into a bird’s nest by a fan on the Chief’s desk. They try again and succeed in getting inside the Pentagon and blowing the Chief’s papers everywhere. You know, these episodes are like five minutes long, do you really need any padding to make your runtime? The Chief isn’t happy when Tom shows up and tells him that M.A.D. has placed a device two miles under ground in order to destroy the world. Tom wonders why they don’t just dig it up and the Chief informs him that they’ve only managed to drill a one inch hole that far down. I can believe that, there’s no way the Chief would be dumb enough to leave the fate of the world in this clown’s hands unless there was no other option. Tom accepts the mission.

Tom and Swinging Jack then go to the site of the hole and find out it’s hole number seven on a golf course. I’m not sure why the government would chose to operate a critical mission like this from a public site, but it was the sixties. Tom and Jack find the hole and almost get squashed by a golf ball before making their descent. Both men are mortified to find a mouse in their way. Tom decides to hide behind his disposable sidekick at first, but then ends up using his ventriloquist skills to chase the mouse off.

Our heroes find the device soon after and disarm it just in the nick of time. Tom is pretty happy with himself despite the fact that he succeeded by complete accident. The Chief gives him a backhanded congratulations and the episode ends.

We then get a quick buffer segment with Kong, Bobby, and Susan shilling some more commercials. Kong’s imagination apparently amounts to ads for Nestle Crunch Bars and Battleship. *Sigh*

You know the drill, these episodes are so short they’re more or less irrelevant. For a show that lasts five minutes or so, they go through a lot of the same gags repeatedly. I was disappointed that M.A.D. did not make an actual appearance. Why is M.A.D. attempting to blow up the world anyway? Global destruction doesn’t seem very conducive to, you know, much of anything. It seems pretty stupid, especially for a group that is supposedly made up of evil scientists. You’d think they’d be a little sharper than that… then again, you’d think they’d be smarter than putting an easy to find "on/off switch" on their bomb too. Ah well.

Scorecard:
Two black gloves, Two glowing phones, One mouse that roared, King Kong sighting, One racial stereotype, No gadgets, One helicopter, One bomb like device, No explosions, One newspaper headline, Three “gusting wind” gags, One jumpsuit, One thumbs up, and One purse full of smiles.

Quotes
Tom: “Once more man’s ingenuity triumphs over the wily mouse.”

Tom: “Smithereens? Golly, that’s no joke Chief Chief. Why don’t you just dig it up and dump it in a pot of water or something?”
Chief: “Can’t take that much time, we’ve only been able to bore a one inch hole down to it.”
Tom: “I see, just wide enough for Tom of T-H-U-M-B.”

Tom: “Good gravy, a man eating mouse! Looks like a job for you, Swinging Jack.”
Jack: “M-m-m-m-m-me!?!”
Tom: “Hit ‘em with you transistor ultrasonic paralyzer gun.”
Jack: “Oh darn, I left it at home.”

Tom: “Luckily ventriloquism is one of my many talents.”

Next Time… Kong shills more merchandise, Rube Goldberg apparently stopped by while I was away, We meet the most obvious villain I’ve ever seen, Bond continues to be a bad parent, Children are held at gunpoint, There’s evil laughter, Idiot sidekicks, Susan actually does something useful, Public Intoxication, Fist fighting, and a whole bunch of other crazy nonsense.

Rating: 1.

“When a Problem Comes Along, You Must Whip It, If Shogoth Comes Along, You Must Whip It!”

2010-12-16T15:14:00.000-08:00

MAY CONTAIN SPOILERS

Last Time… Everybody moved out of Mandrake’s house because he’s a dick to his annoying Asian sidekick, Pebbles took out war jets, Ming sent two fighter planes to abduct a small child, Jedda complained, Phantom summoned the power of ten tigers, Rick was chided for installing sub-par virus software in his super computer, Dale was made into a computer by her son, Flash was Flash, and Lothar did stuff like stand around and be useless.

Episode Three, Season One -- “A Demon in His Pocket.”

Episode Cast:
Mandrake… Enthralled by Wallpapering.
The Phantom… Cameo Appearance.
Flash Gordon… Hits Things.
Lothar… With Gauntlets of POWER!
Ming… Um, Gets the Day Off.
Kshin… Reads Lovecraft.
Jedda… Another Cameo.
Rick… Does Stuff.
JD… the Black Rick.
Shogoth… Shirtless. (debut)
Stewy… Bad At Soccer. (debut)

Comments/Summary:
Our episode begins on the soccer field where Kshin is schooling everybody in sight. After scoring a goal, he offers the token “better luck next time” backhanded comment to one of the members of the opposing team. Stewy, the cocky asshole of the rival team, accuses Kshin of cheating and threatens to fight him. Kshin turns his nose up to the overture since he’s a defender--and defenders never fight. I think Kshin is confused because anybody that Irish wearing a girl’s headband damn sure deserves a pounding. Nevertheless, Kshin doesn’t fight back and gets pushed into the mud. Stewy then calls out Kshin for being a wuss… and he’s right. He’s obviously an uber-nerd who squirrels away from any situation that might involve his testicles dropping.

Kshin is saved from a whooping by the portly coach who comes over and asks what’s going on. Stewy and his sidekicks leave after a few coy comments (man, Kshin missed an opportunity to make fun of the bully’s double chin). The adult--between huffing and sucking air from having to jog twelve feet--then scolds Kshin for being careless. Why are all the adults in these kids shows complete idiots who can’t understand even the most simple and obvious bullying when it happens right in front of their face? It just makes the whole situation into a giant farce because NOBODY seems to think it’s all that alarming.

Then again, when I was nine a kid tries to suffocate me in a snow bank and the teacher who saw it happened gave him the super severe penalty of a finger wagging.

Back at Monitor, Rick is showing off his new invention with Lothar as the human experiment. Yep, that’s a good idea, Lothar is obviously expendable considering his job title is “Mandrake’s man servant.” Anyway, the invention is a pair of gauntlets that allow Lothar to project energy waves from his hands. Pretty sweet really. Kshin shows up moments later and stomps around, lashing out at small animals in the room because he’s a sociopath bookworm. After some teasing from the Defenders (Yay, they’re friends!), he borrows Mandrake’s keys to the library to do “some homework.” Mandrake tells him not to touch the sorcery books.

I’m sorry, but Mandrake is the most retarded superhero ever. He treats his child like a burden, lashes out at him, and then tells him NOT to touch the cool magic stuff. Is this guy completely dense? Moreover, he didn’t tell Kshin to clean up first! He’s all muddy you freak and WHERE WERE YOU during his soccer game in the first place, ass hat?

That night a storm brews and Kshin has missed supper because he’s still in the library looking up some sort of magical torture for Stewy McDoubleChin. Kshin finds a spell to turn Stewy and his friends into to toads and ponders trying it out on Zuffy (the blonde furby). I told ‘em this kid was a psycho, by the end of the episode he’s probably going to be in the basement humping Stewy’s decapitated head.

The spell doesn’t work and when he goes to put the book back, he finds an old scroll laying on the shelf like it’s a family recipe for Mandrake Salsa Cheese Dip. Mandrake finds Kshin and voices his concern over the child’s behavior. Kshin ignores it and goes to bed. Mandrake looks at the book Kshin claimed to be reading when he came in: Wallpapering Your Kitchen. Why doesn't Mandrake even have that book?

Actually, it makes perfect sense for that stick in the mud to have a whole book on the subject, I bet he finds it utterly fascinating and drowns out many Defenders’ meetings with talk about which style fits cream colored linoleum.

Kshin isn’t sleeping of course, he’s calling on the evil demon Shogoth to assist him in some anti-bullying activities. The scroll works and Shogoth shows up instantly in Kshin’s room. Shogoth is a small reptilian looking monster with a blue utility belt and matching purple tights and armbands. No joke. Shogoth calls Kshin master and Kshin begins having fantasies about the inexplicable things he’s going to have his demon do to Stewy.

Meanwhile, Ming is hanging out doing nothing until his super computer detects a surge of energy near monitor. Ming immediately assumes Flash and his pals are up to something and demands some ice robots be dispatched to discover what in the blue hell is going on. Little does he know that the same power surge has caught the eyes of the Phantom and Flash Gordon, who decide to investigate as well.

At Central City Junior High, Kshin is practicing martial arts on the balance beam (he’s Asian so he’s Bruce Lee, right?) when Stewy--still in that gay headband--and his pals come over to bully him. Stewy then yanks Kshin off the balance beam (this kid means business), which causes Kshin to lose his shit and call Shogoth to give them a taste of their own medicine. Eventually the coach bursts in wondering what all the hub-bub is about. Kshin dismisses it as Stewy and his friends being clumsy.

Elsewhere, Mandrake is on some talk show (you can tell by the TV audience and the strategically placed couch) showing people illusions. Suddenly Mandrake loses consciousness while the host looks around wondering where his hair color went. Mandrake regains himself and tells Lothar that a very destructive force is nearby.

Kshin is speaking with Shogth and tells him that his services will no longer be needed. Shogoth laughs and decides he’s not going anywhere, especially since Kshin was such a prick about it. The kid could’ve at least said thanks and maybe offered him something to eat. Sheesh. Shogoth than leaves after threatening that he will be expelled from the Defenders if he tells anyone.

The Phantom and Flash Gordon happen along Shogoth next as he torments random pedestrians (he has also grown to extraordinary size). Flash leaps into action using his fighter plane, but is shot down. The police try their hand next and are also easily disposed of. Ming then appears and convinces Shogoth to go after the Defenders of the Earth. Shogoth then decides to go after Dynak-X at Ming’s urging. Mandrake and Lothar finally show up to the fight and Mandrake takes on the demon alone. This goes poorly and Shogoth instead almost kills Rick, Jedda, and JD. Kshin shows up and confessed what he did to Mandrake, who is understandably pissed off. On the bright side, Kshin still has the scroll and that holds the power to stop the demon.

Shogoth finds Dynak-X and turns into a dust cloud to invade the computer. The Defenders show up just in time and stop Shogoth by with Mandrake’s normal pompous attitude. Mandrake declares that, since Shogoth is an Earth demon, he’s weakest when not connected to the ground and casts a spell to make him levitate. The Defenders proceed to whoop up on the demon until he retreats in another cloud. Shogoth is on the ropes when Ming’s ice robots show up and are immediately destroyed. A couple of the robots do make off with Shogoth and bring him to Ming’s ice fortress.

Ming tries to extend an offer of servitude to the demon, but instead gets made a fool of by the imp before it escapes back to its own dimension. Ming got owned.

Back on Earth, Kshin is afraid Mandrake will send him away since Shogoth said it would happen. He is of course very stupid and Mandrake points it out to him quite clearly. Then again, it would probably take a lot of work and be VERY time consuming to train a new ward… so he isn’t excommunicated. Instead, Mandrake determines that some heavy petting is in order.

This episode was far less stupid than the first couple; however, it’s also far less amusing. I enjoyed parts of it (especially with all the Lovecraftian jargon getting thrown around), yet it was so middle of the road it became a bit of a chore to sit through. These damn anti-bullying PSA episodes are no fun unless they’re completely daft.

Scorecard:
Levitation spells, Giant magic hand, Two crying scenes, Forced gymnastics, One overweight man with a whistle, One robot attack, Fire spells, One Dee Wallace Stone style TV meltdown, Explosions, Flying drop kick, and One angry kid ready to snap and find his dad’s shotgun.

Quotes
Kshin: “I can’t fight, defenders only fight if it’s really important.”
Stewy: “You won’t fight because you’re a chicken runt!”

Kshin: “Creatures of darkness, hear and obey. I call up on the demon Shogoth to cross the endless void and avenge me against my enemies. Shogoth, Kasnar, Vendor, Hood.”

Stewy: “Hey, check out the Karate Creep!”

Mandrake: “It’s always important the spice up illusion with some razzle dazzle.”

Mandrake: “Shogoth, I am Mandrake, your superior.”
Giant Shogoth: “Who is superior to me?!?”

Next Time… It’s time for Family Feud, we get an episode focused on the Phantom for once, Jedda learns the horrible truth about wearing purple tights, More horrible thunderstorms, Gymnastics, and of course Ming is behind it all.

Rating: 2.

“Aquaman Re-Sinks the Titanic Because He’s A Hero, It’s What He Does.”

2010-12-09T14:06:00.001-08:00

MAY CONTAIN SPOILERS

Last Time… The Superfriends were out to lunch, The Wonder Twins stopped an alien invasion, Batman should be the center of a wiretap investigation, Robin was… *sigh* Robin, Space Dolls--I mean, Space Action Figures planned to invade Earth on two AA batteries, and the world was saved by Energizer’s shoddy products.

“Lost” Episode Two, Segment Three -- “Terror on the Titanic.”

Episode Cast:
Black Vulcan… Thunderstruck
Aquaman… Spectator.
Living Seaweed… Shit With Eyes.
The Titanic… Uh, Alive? (debut)
Newfoundlanders… In Peril. (debut)
Man in Speedboat… Very Suspicious. (debut)

Comments/Summary:
This episode starts off as routinely as possible (so that we’d never expect the INSANITY that awaits us) as a research diving team searches for the Titanic. Two divers follow a line towards the ocean floor. Just as one of them starts complaining that they should’ve given up years ago, he spots the Titanic. Well how about that. The Titanic has a huge, jagged hole in the front of the hull and one diver radios the surface so they can get to work surfacing the historic vessel. The surface man in this operation is named “Jacques” and one of the divers has one of those mustaches that makes him look a little queer. I’m guessing this is a French crew.

The two divers go throw the gaping hole to explore the inside of the ship, unaware that the ship’s hull begins to move!

Inside the ship, the divers find the door to the engine room and break it open, releasing some sort of sentient sewage monster (which can roar despite the fact this is taking place under water). The divers try to flee, but are stopped by a dripping wall of what looks to be either diarrhea or my Grandma’s homemade fudge. They’ve both got the same a-bit-to-watery-consistency.

On the surface, two men can see the poop monster on some video camera the divers’ must be wearing and decide they need to call the Superfriends. Also, the two men are definitely French and one of them is wearing a scarf, so at least one of them is gay. Anyway, the gay French are being attacked by a shit creature aboard the Titanic. I fail to see a problem here.

Nevertheless, the Hall of Justice computer picks up the distress call; unfortunately, the French aren’t having good luck today because only Aquaman and Black Vulcan are there to take the call. Aquaman actually looks more suited for this job--believe it or not--since Vulcan must put on one of those magic fish bowls that somehow acts as a diver’s helmet, space helmet, and a gas mask (depending on the needed function at that moment).

Meanwhile, the divers are captured by the blob just as both Black Vulcan and Aquaman arrive at the ship at the same time. Sheesh, isn’t Black Vulcan as fast as lightning? How did Aquaman make that speed on a giant seahorse? Also, Black Vulcan apparently put on his fish bowl before he left the Hall, then took it off to fly to the ship, kept it off as he dived into the ocean, and finally put it back on as he arrived at the ship. Seems a little ridiculous to me.

Anyway, Aquaman senses something is a miss as the two heroes proceed inside the ship. Afterwards we see an EYE open on the ship’s hull. It’s about here that I realized something amazingly stupid was going to happen during this episode (as if ‘starring Aquaman and the French’ wasn’t enough of a clue). The Titanic, just so everybody is with me, HAS AN EYE BALL. And it’s menacing.

The heroes are quickly assaulted by the two divers, who are covered in the same liquid sludge the monster is made out of. Obviously, this is enough of a disguise that Dumb and Dumber don’t realize they are the divers until Black Vulcan is about ready to zap them (in water mind you). After a brief struggle, one of Vulcan’s errant bolts strikes the wall of the ship, causing the Titanic to roar like a dinosaur and bite down on the air tube the ship sent down earlier.

The Titanic is alive. That’s the plot of this episode. Seriously.

The air from the tube somehow starts flowing into the ship (…) and forces all the water inside the ship to be pushed out along with our heroes and the divers. I don’t think it works that way but whatever. Once all the water is out, the ship rises to the surface and attacks the divers’ ship. The crew is understandably confused, mortified, and probably soiled when the Titanic starts eating their ship. Once the ship begins sinking, the now monstrous piece of history then leaves. Apparently it’s not in the mood for French cuisine. Our heroes marvel that the ship can leave under its own power (yes, but the fact that it has huge jaws, eats other ships, roars, has eyeballs, and is full of killer crap monsters is quite normal).

Black Vulcan and Aquaman have other problems though because the divers are still possessed by the killer algae. Aquaman quickly (and smugly) defeats one with a lasso of seaweed while Vulcan tricks the other into swimming right into a patch. Is seaweed is algae’s natural enemy or something? Anyway, the heroes surface with the divers only to find their ship sinking. Vulcan quickly welds their hull shut in order to stop them from sinking any further.

On deck, the French thank the heroes for saving them. Vulcan and Aquaman take off as soon as possible in hopes of finding the Titanic… before it finds anyone else (real line of dialogue there). Man, I would’ve loved to be a fly on the wall during the script reading for this episode. It must of taken days considering how long the actors had to be doubled over in fits of laughter.

Meanwhile in Newfoundland, an old man watches as the Titanic rises from the sea and attacks the deck! Um, don’t boats sink when they go underwater? Was the Titanic secretly a military submarine? Actually, that would be an AWESOME idea for a movie. Nerds! Write a script and pay me for story credit. The ship menaces a few pedestrians. This includes a man in a speedboat with the most ridiculous afro and beard combination a white man has ever dared going out in public with. And what the flying fuck was he doing in his speedboat adrift in the middle of the night?

Finally, the Titanic attacks a lighthouse. If you’ve never seen “the Beast From 20,000 Fathoms” than you have no idea why this is completely, utterly awesome. Black Vulcan distracts the monster and leads it away in accordance with Aquaman’s instructions (so that’s who’s keeping the black man down!). The townspeople--all seven of ‘em--are very enthused at Vulcan’s shoddy weld job on the lighthouse.

Black Vulcan leads the ship into a iceberg that sinks the ship back where it was originally resting. Wow. Vulcan pontificates on the irony of the situation while Aquaman cracks a joke about lightning hitting the same place twice. Oh yeah, real cool Aquaman. Apparently that great American tragedy is FREAKING HILARIOUS to Aquaman. Asshole.

Man, what do you say about a show like this? It’s completely insane and in the best way possible. We’re talking turning the absurdity dial up to 11 and rocking out hard for seven minutes. Totally awesome and worth sitting through so many crappy-ass Wonder Twins segments for. I hope we see a couple more of these before I’m done with the lost episodes.

Scorecard:
One killer passenger ship, Two zombie croissant eaters, One giant turd monster, One iceberg, a Double dose of irony, Seaweed rope tricks, Underwater rodeo, One damaged ship, One damaged waterfront, Several nerdy men in bad seventies fashion, One midnight boater, and One crazy beard.

Quotes
Diver #1: “This is probably our last dive before the winter storms hit.”
Diver #2: “I am glad. Three years we search for the sunken ship, we should’ve given up years ago. We will never find--look! It’s the Titanic!”

Diver #2: “There’s something weird about this place, it gives me the creeps.”

Black Vulcan: “The next bolt of lightning you’ll see will be… BLACK VULCAN!”

Black Vulcan: “What is it, Aquaman?”
Aquaman: “I don’t know, but be careful Black Vulcan. My Aquatic Telepathy is picking up something incredibly dangerous.”

Aquaman: “They’ve been taken over by some sort of mutant, thinking algae!”

French Man: “The Titanic… it’s devouring my ship!”

Next Time… YES!!! The Legion of Doom returns to action, Batman harasses construction companies about their paper work, Sensitive government information is leaked to the public, improbable disguises, Black Manta finally finds an honest line of work, an Superman gets his butt whipped by a dust buster.

Rating: 4.

“The Only Thing Worse Than a Giant, Pissed Off Ape Is A Balding Man With An Inferiority Complex.”

2010-12-06T17:37:00.000-08:00

MAY CONTAIN SPOILERS

Last Time… Bobby started a deep sea salvage mission, everybody was pretty clear on how annoying Bobby really is, Lives were endangered, Kong stood around for the entire story, there was no treasure, there were no bad guys, there wasn’t much of a plot, and there really wasn’t much of a point either.

Episode Two, Segment One -- “the Horror of Mondo Island”

Episode Cast:
Bobby… The Only Person Who Does Anything.
Susan… Entirely Irrelevant.
Professor Bond… Homebody.
Kong… Likes Halloween.
Jeff… He Of the Misshapen Head. (debut)

Comments/Summary:
After the cool theme song (“Ten times as big as a MAAAANNN!”), Professor Bond speaks with another scientist about the discovery that Mondo Island is the only place on Earth with a significant deposit of Fantasium, a compound that allows metal to be bent into any shape with ease. Bond is concerned that this finding will endanger Mondo's habitat and vows to stop anyone who threatens it. His colleague seems unimpressed. It doesn’t look good though and Bobby worries that Kong may be in danger.

Before anyone can dwell on this for any substantial amount of time, a ship arrives with several men. Bond informs them that they’re trespassing; however, the group’s leader--Jeff--seems unimpressed to say the least. Bobby surprises everyone by pleading with his dad to let them stay, saying that it will be nice to have some company for a while… especially because of the ‘Horror of Mondo Island.’ This talk spooks most of the sailors, but Jeff is disbelieving.

It turns out that Jeff’s crew is there to tear up the island for Fantasium, making no bones out of decimating the island. Bond and Susan lament that they can do nothing to stop them, but Bobby has an idea and borrows some flour from their stock. Bond scolds his child against do anything risky (wait, fucking with a bunch of sailors to scare them off the island isn’t RISKY?).

That night, the Horror of Mondo Island does show up. It’s Kong doused in flour and done up in stereotypical war paint. Jeff’s crew is scared off from their camp causing Jeff to demand that Bond stop sabotaging his operation. Bond is adamant that he’s done nothing of the sort, so Jeff threatens them by saying he’s got his own monster. Bobby doesn’t seem worried.

Kong visits again the next night and Jeff unveils his monster, which is one of those giant cranes with a razor sharp bucket mouth that you only see in cartoons. Bond realizes that Kong thinks it’s another animals and Jeff may be killed. Bobby rushes in and tries to settle Kong down only for Jeff to attack him (what a dick!). Kong saves Bobby and then destroys the crane. Sadly, Jeff is not harmed.

Kong stands triumphant and burns his foot on the downed machine. The episode ends with Kong’s foot wrapped up while the last of the mining crew escapes in a row boat. Bond’s colleague tells him that the costs of mining have been deemed too great even for Fantasium, which pleases Bond to no end.

An insert follows the episode with Bobby and Susan dancing like goons until they notice Kong trying to imitate them. Bobby tells Kong that if he wants to really swing, he should watch the following commercials.

Well, at least these are getting somewhat eventful. I was really starting to fear having to write up more of these recaps for this intensely dull show, but this one wasn’t too bad.

Scorecard:
Two Kong SMASH sprees, Battle to the Death, A dozen sailor boys, One evil plot, Corporate greed (in the sixties?!?!), Attempted homicide, One made up McGuffin, One superstitious story, One idle threat, and Several examples proving that smart people don’t make smart parents.

Quotes
Scientist: “I’ll report to my company and then…”
Bond: “You’ll make them understand that Mondo Island has other natural values as well?”
Scientist: “I’ll tell them, but it also seems to be the only island in the world with sizable deposits of Fantasium.”
Bond: “In that case, warn them that I will do everything in my power to keep them from ruining this place.”

Bobby: “Will they help?”
Bond: “When they get the red tape untangled, by that time it will be too late.”

Bobby: “Oh, there’s nothing to worry about… during the day.”
Sailor: “What kind of talk is that?”

Jeff: “Listen, kid, you warned me and now I’m warning you: I’ve got a monster of my own, think about that for a while.”

Next Time… We get another visit from Tom of T.H.U.M.B. and Swinging Jack, Glowing phones, Bad Editing, Lots of “gusting wind” gags, A plot for world domination, and I start to question the governments use of our national spending.

Rating: 2.

“the Mattel Corporation’s Master Plan Finally Comes to a Horrifying Head in…”

2010-12-06T17:16:00.000-08:00

MAY CONTAIN SPOILERS

Last Time… Superman felt compelled to tamper with history, the space time continuum, and the entire populace of several planets because he’s a selfish prick; Robin testicles have dropped in a parallel universe where everyone has decided to finally stop rebuilding everything after a giant monster attack; Wonder Woman worried; Jor ‘El made a cameo; and it turns out that Superman comes from a race of really outspoken San Franciscans.

“Lost” Episode Two, Segment Two -- “Invasion of the Space Dolls.”

Episode Cast:
Zan… Complete Clown.
Jana… Actually Kinda Sexy.
Gleek… Birthday Chimp.
Batman… Outsmarted By A Toy.
Robin… Worse Than Aquaman.
Doll Leader... Improbably Schemer. (debut)

Comments/Summary:
Oh great, it’s a Wonder Twins episode… why am I doing this again?

As our episode begins, a spaceship casually flies across the Nebraska sky (yep, it’s flat, bland farmland. Definitely Nebraska) and beams down a container that looks like a lunchbox. After the ship zooms off, the container opens and a small, grey robot emerges. The robot leads a voluminous group of red robots in a march to execute “Operation Infiltration.” This particular plan revolves around accessing the Gotham Toy Company and immobilizing the TWO EMPLOYEES loading a truck (must be some slow business). The leader then tells the others to replace a popular toy with their numbers. Would you believe this is a plan for world domination?

Well it is.

The narrator then tells us that the toys are shipped around the world “within a few days.” All I’ve got to say about that is dang, those are the two hardest working guys in the country! Anyway, the robots are bought up like Tickle Me Elmo dolls (how many mothers were trampled on Black Friday?).

At the Hall of Justice, it’s Gleek’s birthday so the Wonder Twins, Batman, and Robin surprise the annoying comedy relief with a cake and a present. Guess what it is. If you said, “killer mini robot with a wrist laser and a superiority complex” then you’re right! As a reward, you don’t have to watch the rest of the episode with me.

And if you’re wondering, I guessed that his present was one of Wonder Woman’s old bras. Seriously, Zan look like the sort of perv that would “do his friend a solid” like that.

Anyway, the robot bursts from his packaging and attacks the Superfriends. The robot is “Doll Leader” and proclaims that he will, you know, do evil stuff. Batman quickly envelopes him in some sort of Bat laser net; however, Batman’s gloating is cut short when the robot’s laser passes through the laser net and traps him. Robin then leaps into action and gets put in an airplane spin for his effort. Seriously, this action figure sized automaton OWNS Robin. Talk about useless.

The Wonder Twins decide to try their hand at stopping the miniature menace with their transforming powers. Jan turns into a king crab (…uh, sure) and tosses the baddie into Zan, who changed into--get this--an ice vault. What the Hell is with that? Okay, what is the deal with Zan’s powers? If anyone knows the rules, please send me an e-mail. And five dollars.

The Wonder Twins’ plan doesn’t work very well since the robot leader simply uses his all purpose wrist laser to melt Zan. Sadly, this doesn’t kill him. Immediately, the Zan and Jana retreat, leaving the robot leader to use their computer to signal the beginning of a global takeover now that the Justice League is neutralized.

Okay, this plan makes no freaking sense at all. First of all, the dolls ship out of the Gotham Toy Company all over the world “for every child to buy.” Is the Gotham Toy Company that productive FROM ONE WAREHOUSE? That only has TWO EMPLOYEES!?! No way that many toys came out of there. Second, how did they ensure Doll Leader would be would end up at the Hall of Justice? How did they even know the Superfriends were buying a toy for Gleek, who’s a space monkey of some sort?

No, no, no! None of this adds up AT ALL.

Oh well. The robots begin coming to life and immobilizing top military and government employees around the world because their kids all purchased one of the robot dolls. All my previous points still stand. This is so improbable, so absurd it wouldn’t fool a two year old with Down Syndrome. The Doll Leader suddenly collapses because his batteries are low. They are quickly changed to restore him. Doll Leader then commands his subordinates to go to the Metropolis Battery Plant and bring all the batteries back so they don’t run out.

Little do they know, the Wonder Twins are monitoring them from the Bat Cave! That is kind of creepy when you think about it. Any time he wants, Batman can just peep into the Hall of Justice and spy on his friends. I’m having weird visions of Batman rubbing one out in his Bat Chair when Wonder Woman’s on the night shift. Yucky.

The twins then wait until the robots have succeeded in taking the batteries (that doesn’t seem like a very judicious move) and attack the Space Army while they’re hanging out at the Hall of Justice. Jana turns into a bat while Zan turns into a snowstorm while Gleek frees Batman and Robin. As the robots drain their batteries and try to put in new ones, they find that all the batteries they procured are dead! They’ve been tricked!

The invasion is quickly given up as all the dolls collapse lifeless on the floor. A little bit of Gleek slapstick and we’re home free. Yes, this episode was stupid and not very interesting. The only plus was getting a rare glimpse of the Superfriends’ version of the Bat Cave. I was especially offended that Batman and Robin were made to look like complete fools. Those are MY childhood heroes, damnit!

Scoreboard:
Bat Cave sighting, One wrestling move, One giant crustacean, Shoot on sight, One bat (not including Batman), An ice vault, One toy factory, One battery factory, One birthday cake mess, One disappointed Asian boy, One bewildered parent, No overtime pay (those alien bastards!), and An instance where playing dolls goes horribly wrong.

Quotes
Robin: “He zapped Batman, but he’ll never zap again if I can help it.”

Zan, the Ice Vault: “Nice going, Gleek. We’ve got him in cold storage now.”

Doll #1: “Your batteries are running low Doll Leader.”
Doll Leader: “Thank you, I am fine now, but we must make sure we have enough batteries to power all space dolls. Go to the Metropolis battery plant and bring all power cells back here.”
Doll #1: “Yes, Doll Leader.”

Batman: “Nice work kids, now we can ship these dolls back to their home planet.”
Robin: “And we’ll make sure their batteries are low voltage.”

Next Time… “Just when I thought you couldn’t get any dumber, you go and pull something like this… and TOTALLY REDEEM YOURSELF!”

Rating: 1.

Happy Thanksgiving

2010-11-25T12:33:00.001-08:00

Glenn Beck thinks we're not thankful, but, baby, I'm all over that stuff like white on rice. Nobody can compare with my schnizz.

Wait, what the Hell is schnizz?

You know what, I'm digging myself a hole here that I'm not going to get out of. Anyway, I'm still piling on the obligations for the next six months, but I'm still trying to find some time.

I did see a couple Ultraman movies in the past few weeks that may inspire me to do something. They're pretty freaking entertaining.

So, have a good holiday my droogs and may we all meet again soon.

Maybe December... No, I won't promise that.

October Was a Bust.

2010-10-21T13:30:00.000-07:00

You know, I kept telling myself that October would be the perfect month to get back on track. And yet I stand before you now having nothing to post, nothing to show for the whole month. It wasn't all for naught as I was able to scout out some good topics, but I'm still having a hard time finding... well, the time.

I HAVEN'T ABANDONED THIS PLACE! I come everyday to monitor and fix mistakes when I have a few minutes; however, I am really busy. I'm hoping (no promises) that I will be able to get something done for November, but my schedule doesn't get any less complex for quite some time.

I appreciate those who visit here and will be making a comeback at some point when life gets less crazy.

Still working on it.

2010-09-28T10:40:00.000-07:00

The next review will be the fourth episode of "Dragonball," I have an idea of when I can write and then post it. Fans (if I have any), I'm trying. Potty training a dog is hard, exasperating work.

It's been a while.

2010-09-11T20:55:00.000-07:00

I hadn't planned on a sabbatical, but once school started I got kinda caught up in life. Obviously, this blog isn't dead and I hope to get back on track here pretty soon. The real problem is that going forward, I won't be able to devote time to weekly updates. I'm going to try and go one review every two weeks, but that might even be too much right now. Nevertheless, I will continue to post when I can and that's a promise.

Would I lie to you?

(... Hint, the answer is "No.")

“Today Godzilla Meets The Comedy Team of Lou and Costellosaurus… Please Kill Me.”

2010-08-10T16:34:00.000-07:00

MAY CONTAIN SPOILERS

Last Time… Godzilla fought a giant monster that ate dirt, Pete made a nuisance of himself, Brock stared at everything is disbelief, Majors did nothing of importance either, Quinn explained the Hell out of everything that was happening, the Golden Gate Bridge was trashed, San Francisco was trashed… all in all, it was business as usual.

Episode Three, Season One -- “Attack of the Stone Creatures.”

Episode Cast:
Godzilla… Suffering From Acid Reflux?
Capt. Majors… Vanilla.
Quinn… Sexy in Bellbottoms.
Brock… Um, He’s Here Anyway.
Pete… Shrill Pest.
Godzooki… Get Me My Shotgun.
Gordon Jarvis… Frozen In The Desert. (debut)

Comments/Summary:
The episode begins in Egypt where an archeologist frantically drives his jeep to a large pyramid that looks to have just been uncovered from beneath the sand. The archeologist, Gordon Jarvis, gets a little soliloquy about how the temple has been waiting for him to discover it and it took him twenty years to do so. Gordon begins to scale the side of the structure and uncovers a large, gold gem imbedded there. Suddenly, a sickening roar goes out and two large statues are revealed by a strong gust of wind. The two statues begin to move, roar, and--while Jarvis denies that they could be alive despite the fact that they are moving around as such--smash his jeep. Jarvis is then overtaken by another strong wind that emanates from the creatures’ mouths. All the while he screams, “No! NO! NOOOOOOOOO!”

Sometime later we find the Calico and crew at the Nile River where Brock and Pete take a swim from the Calico deck. Godzooki follows, splashing into the river. Gordon suddenly appears not to far from the deck pleading for help. Majors and Quinn rush to his aid as he collapses, not to mention the fact that he’s as blue as a melancholy Smurf. Quinn exclaims that its frost bite, to which Majors is understandably perplexed. While he recovers aboard the Calico, Jarvis explains what happened to the crew. Pete says that stone statues can’t do what Jarvis is explaining and Jarvis looks like he might smack to impudence out of the little shit at any moment (do it for the audience!).

Quinn asks Jarvis to lead them back to where it happened; however, in a shockingly sensible turn of events, Jarvis refuses to go back there. He does volunteer to tell them where the site is though. This was one of the high points to the episode for me because he doesn’t just refuse to go back, he says it like they’re asking him to pull his pants down to his ankles and pretend to talk out of his butt cheeks.

The Calico crew take their helicopter while Godzooki follows (You know, I’ve been ignoring the logistical issue of Godzooki’s manner of flight up until now but, come on, how the Hell does this work? He looks like a three hundred pound nerd in a monster costume at a Star Trek convention!). At any rate, once they get close to the pyramid’s location a sand storm sets in. The crew is befuddled when the storm turns into a blizzard right before their eyes, all the while Pete is complaining that Godzooki has disappeared (nobody cares, kid). The helicopter’s blades freeze over and Majors uses his Godzilla pager to summon his insurance policy. Godzilla is able to save them from a deadly crash, though how he got there so quickly is anyone’s guess. Godzooki finds one of the stone guardians, which leads to Godzilla engaging in some desperately needed Kaiju Big Battle!

Godzilla blows fire at the statues and they counter by retreating. Finally Godzilla provokes them enough for one of the statues to freeze Godzilla’s hand and this seems to concern the King of the Monsters about as much as a bunion. The creatures then disappear by covering themselves in sand. After that ordeal, Pete congratulates Godzooki on finding the pyramid (Pete, don’t be dumb. This is your last warning). Apparently, none of our human characters even saw the battle that transpired because of the blizzard/sand storm/gust of wind that over took them, even after Godzooki insists upon it.

After Godzilla leaves, Quinn and Majors decide to dig around the pyramid to find an entrance. Why is nobody concerned about the impossible environmental anomaly they JUST FREAKING WITNESSED! Shouldn’t they be calling somebody important about that, not to mention someone to pick up their helicopter TV dinner that’s now stuck in the middle of Egypt?

As the crew digs, Quinn starts a sand slide by mentioning the fact that it could happen (dumb broad), which unveils the golden gem from the beginning. This causes the stone guardians to be unveiled, but they don’t come to life. The crew examines them briefly and then brushes it off in favor of continuing to dig (WHAT?!?). Godzooki then decides to go poke around an oasis to the joy of nobody over the age of three months. Pete is then assigned the duty of filling the canteens. This, of course, turns out to be too big a responsibility for our hero when he and Godzooki are swallowed up into a whirlpool.

Back at the dig site, the gold gem finally awaken the guardians. They don’t do much of anything other than stare menacingly.

Godzooki and Pete finally come out of their tumbling, underwater death in a small pool that enters the temple. They go exploring and, to my surprise, Godzooki seems to be the sensible voice of the two by declining Pete’s idea to split up and explore. Instead, they stick together in another high moment of the episode. Sadly, this is followed by some Godzooki slapstick. Blech.

Outside the pyramid, another storm hits and the crew find that the guardians are the cause! Majors calls Godzilla again, who has to once again make the trek from the Nile river (this time accompanied by a pretty killer guitar theme). Majors, Quinn, and Brock then start searching for an entrance into the temple to get away from the creatures. Pete calls out from inside, helping them in their search. Godzooki is able to open a door so the others can duck inside; however, the guardians don’t seem to intend them to live.

Godzilla appears on the scene and engages in round two of Kaiju Big Battle! The King of the Monsters looks to have the advantage, but two stone guardians quickly become too much for him… even with Godzooki’s non-assistance. In one of those insane cartoon moments, the guardians begin showering Godzilla with giant snowballs like an overactive softball pitcher. Godzilla fights back only to be frozen where he stands. The guardians then plan a synchronized attack, but, as luck would have it, Godzilla unthaws just in time to avoid a double avalanche splash that ends up destroying both guardians.

Everyone seems happy and safe, so we get one more Godzooki pratfall before the end credits.

I didn’t like this one as much as the previous two episodes, but the Egyptian story definitely could be revisted without the giant monsters and be interesting. It feels like this would be a really good episode of “Johnny Quest” or something. Hey, there’s another series I should get my hands on. All together, an adequate waste of twenty minutes, which is all I can ask of a cartoon show anyway.

Scorecard:
One cup of coffee, One Darwin Award (frost bite in the desert?), One near crash landing, BLIZZARD!, Fire breath, Monster charades, Sand slide, One oasis, One temple of doom, One whirlpool, Snowball fight, Sarcophagus abuse, and a Big handicap monster battle royal.

Quotes:

Quinn: "We’re alright, Godzilla, thanks again!”
Brock: “I think he’s looking for something.”
Majors: “Nah, he just wants to make certain we’re all okay, Brock. That’s all.”
*Godzilla Belch*

Majors: “Phew! Carry on you two while I chart a course for some shade.”
Quinn: “Hey, this is no time to pull rank, Captain, we need all the hands we can get.”
Pete: “We’ll use our hands, Quinn. Godzooki and I don’t need shovels!”
Quinn: “Sorry Pete, this sand could start to slide.”
*Cue sand slide*
Brock: “Like right now!”

Next Time… Oh, the usual stuff happens: Godzilla roars, Godzooki acts stupid, Majors continues to be the human equivalent of a coat rack, I want Quinn to g-g-g-get naked, Pete gets even more shrill than he’s been thus far, Brock mugs for the camera like nobody’s business, and a monster threatens to destroy everything.

Rating: 3.

“Sure, David Took Down Goliath With A Slingshot, But Could He Take Out A War Plane?”

2010-08-03T13:30:00.001-07:00

MAY CONTAIN SPOILERS

Last Time… Ming killed Flash’s wife, Rick was traumatized for life, Lothar got faced, Mandrake did very little of importance, the Phantom called on the strength of ten tigers, A prison was blown up, A ice prison was blown up, possible cannibal tribe sighting, and lots of property damage to a mansion at the base of a volcano (Prime real estate, naturally).

Episode Two, Season One -- “the Creation of Monitor.”

Episode Cast:
Flash Gordon… Packing Heat.
Mandrake… Wears a Suit!
The Phantom… Still Wearing Purple.
Lothar… Possible Slave?
Jedda… Homesick.
Kshin… Spelunker And Vandal.
JD… Window Dressing.
Rick… Boy Genius-Idiot.
Ming… Party Pooper.
Dynak-X… On Loan From the Superfriends. (debut)

Comments/Summary:
I still can’t get over that horrible theme song, it’s like karaoke to a cheesy hair band done by a drunk guy trying to swallow a cat. At any rate, the episode begins with Ming’s ice robots building an ice bridge to Ming’s new fortress in the artic. Ming thinks the construction of the base is going too slowly and wants production sped up; however, he’s taken away from these thrilling duties when his floating, talking computer informs him that a fleet of starships is approaching Earth. Ming doesn’t recognize them, so he demands his computer hack into their communications and find out their identity.

Meanwhile, the Defenders are at Mandrake’s mansion waiting for Rick to finish creating one of those token super computers that seems to know everything (mind you, Rick is like fifteen years old). Flash declares that the computer will be the first to have a human “essence” as its main component. We then get a flashback to episode one where Rick’s mother was killed and find out that her soul, I guess, is within the crystal from Ming’s inquisitor. Rick turns the computer on for the first time while Kshin thinks that it could help them find a new headquarters for them. Presumably because Mandrake is kind of a killjoy and they’d all rather not have to spend all day hanging around with him.

The super computer detects the fleet of ships arriving on Earth and Flash declares that they are a friendly species coming to help the Defenders build their new base (and he never bothered to tell the rest of the Defenders until NOW?!). The aliens--they’re called Krell, though I‘m not sure on the spelling--begin a transmission with the Defenders and ask if they have though of a name for their new base. Mandrake says they decided on ‘Monitor’ because they will be monitoring the Earth from their station… see, this is why nobody thinks Mandrake is cool. Not even the Phantom can fake enthusiasm for his lameness.

It turns out Ming has been listening into their conversation and begins destroying the Krell ships. The Defenders aren’t pleased when they figure out Ming’s fighters are behind the assault and Flash scolds his son that his invention “needs more shielding” (the kid’s FIFTEEN, what did you expect?). The Krell plead for Flash to help and he obliges by taking part in an aerial dog fight. On the ground, Mandrake uses his power of illusion to fake out a couple of the robot pilots.

Kshin--apparently hopped up on Snowballs and Coca-Cola--gets a little too excited, so Mandrake tells him to go hide somewhere so everyone else can concentrate. Surprisingly, the little Asian boy doesn’t take this very well and runs off (Mandrake = terrible parent). Kshin goes out to the nearby mountains to watch the spectacle as Flash blows some fighters out of the sky.

Unfortunately, there seems to be too many for him to fight alone. So--in a truly unbelievable moment--Kshin picks up a rock and throws it at one of the fighters, chipping its windshield. I guess there’s a pretty significant design flaw in these robot ships because the fighter then EXPLODES FROM THE CHIP IN THE WINDSHIELD. I don’t even know what to say. I don't know who came up with that one, but they either need a raise or they need to be fired. Just wow.

I mean WOW... that just happened.

Kshin then decides to find cover, but is left in perilous danger after the ridge he’s on starts to collapse. Elsewhere, Flash and the remaining Krell are able to defeat most of the Mongo pilots. Ming notices Kshin and demands his minions abduct him. You know, I’d love to see Ming’s battle strategy playbook. I’m pretty sure it would go something like this:

“Step One: Build base of operations.
Step Two: Kidnap small children for blackmail.
Step Three: If Step Two fails, wait one week and then abduct another small child for blackmail.
Step Four: If Step Three fails, wait one week and then adduct another small child for blackmail.
Step Five: DVR reruns of “Married with Children.”
Step Six: If Step Four fails, KILL FLASH GORDON! (somehow).”

Ming is the strategic genius of our time. Anyway, Kshin makes a run for it through a cavern, but the robots simply blast through most of it (they apparently have the aim of your average storm trooper). Through pure “luck,” Kshin escapes Ming’s henchmen into a cave filled with lava and then tumbles into the wine cellar of Mandrake’s mansion (WHAT? WHAT?!?!). I don’t know anymore. I really don’t.

Back at the mansion, the super computer determines that the mountain Kshin was bumbling through has a cavern inside of it big enough for a city. Flash decides that is the perfect place for Monitor, but there’s a catch. It turns out that the mountain is actually a volcano (hence the lava) and it’s still active. This conundrum lasts all of three seconds before Jedda comes up with a vague solution. Thusly, construction begins. Jedda is unhappy though because she doesn’t want to live anywhere but Africa. The Phantom states that they must stay with the Defenders and he would be concerned for her safety if she returned to Africa alone (the Phantom = good parent).

Back in the artic, Ming scolds one of his robots with a laundry list of things lost in the day’s battle. Ming’s computer detects the large amounts of energy being used by the Defender’s base and sends a troop of ice robots into the mountain to destroy everyone. The robots use their lasers to create a landslide and wreak general havoc on everything in the vicinity. Flash states they are helpless with their ships inside the cavern. The Phantom then acts as bait so that the robots can be disposed of with some concrete.

Ming lets that failure last for all of two seconds before ANOTHER squadron of fighter jets are detected closing in on Monitor. Lothar comes up with a plan using a homing signal that originates from the top of the mountain, the robots fall for it and blow the peak clean off. This allows Monitor to rise from the mountain and the Defenders can launch their ships in order to make short work of Ming’s jets.

This causes another problem because the geothermal cap suddenly ruptures. The computer designates that another explosion is needed to relieve pressure on the cap. Jedda uses her panther, Keesa, to plant the explosive. Ming sees this on his viewfinder and decides this means that the Defenders’ base has exploded and he is free to take over the Earth… finally! Inside Monitor, Jedda comforts her pet, which is plum terrified after almost being engulfed in the explosion. She uses this opportunity to once again tell her father that they belong in Africa. The Phantom is not swayed, saying that they’ve made a commitment to Flash and the others.

Ming, in the throws of victory, sasses his robot, who’s still trying to tell him that the base has not been destroyed. Ming will have none of it though and declares a Mexican Hat Dance Festival for all.

In the caverns of the mountain, the Defenders are shown a new cavern that was created by the eruption earlier. Steam from the volcano keeps it humid, which leads Jedda to say that it’s just like Africa (except for the vegetation and other life forms, o’ course). The Phantom thinks it will make a perfect second Skull Cave. That’s pretty presumptuous to call first dibs here.

Later, the Krell ships leave Earth with Flash Gordon escorting them. Ming sees this and is understandably pissed. He then vows that Flash will be destroyed (who will he kidnap next week?).

My God, I thought this show was silly the first time around. This may be the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever seen from a Saturday morning cartoon and that’s saying a lot.

Scorecard:
Numerous explosions, Two deaths by molten lava, Two deaths by cement mixer, The strength of ten tigers, One volcanic explosion, One flashback, Animal endangerment, Child endangerment, Criminal neglect, and Lothar is finally useful!

Quotes:

Ming: “The Krell ships are retreating!”
Computer: “With an escort from Flash Gordon, sire.”
Ming: “No! It cannot be!”
Computer: “The Defenders of the Earth are still alive, sire.”
Ming: “But not for long…”

Ming: “Garax, your robots follow your example with great fidelity. They‘re totally incompetent!”

Ming: “It must be the Defenders’ base!”
Garax: “My King, please allow me to take a party of ice robots into their base and destroy it from within.”
Ming: “Very well, Garax, but I will not tolerate failure.”

Next Time… I finally realize who wrote that awful theme song, Kshin dabbles in powers beyond his (and possibly anyone else’s) control, Lovecraft references abound, Proof that demonic power is the ultimate anti-bullying solution, Ming shoehorns himself into this nonsensical PSA for no other reason than the writers thought they could, and the rest show up for one reason or another.

Rating: 2.

Status: Alpha... Gamma... Cow."

2010-08-02T09:50:00.000-07:00

Just a little tid bit here to say that the next recap will be posted on Tuesday, which is going to be episode two of "Defenders of the Earth." (Deffeeeendderrrrrrrs!)

After that it will be episode three of "Godzilla," hopefully posted quicker than the intervals I've had lately. Promotions, more moving, and technical failures continue to haunt me.

“Bad Science Can Be Your Friend If You Ask Nice And Share Your Fig Newtons in…”

2010-07-24T18:20:00.001-07:00

MAY CONTAIN SPOILERS

Last Time… Robin made way too many horrible puns, Batman failed to be very Batman-like, Apache Chief was important for once (now how ‘bout Aquaman?), An evil ghost terrorized the city, We got proof that Batman needs his own shopping network when he retires, and we got quite possibly the lamest of lame endings in the history of lame Superfriends television. That’s saying something.

“Lost” Episode Two, Segment One -- “the Krypton Syndrome.”

Episode Cast:
Superman… Jealous of Batman’s Sweet Ride.
Wonder Woman… Useless in Space.
Jor ‘El… Supes’ Pappy. (debut)
The High Council… Ever Seen Staying Alive? (debut)

Comments/Summary:
We open in outer-space where an alien ship is being sucked towards a black hole, there precious cargo dangling just on the edge of disaster. For you young astronomers out there, it’s good to know that black holes shoot out yellow tractor beams in order to pull matter into itself. Wonder Woman and Superman are there to assist in tugging the ship to safety, which leads to the first of very many weird things in this particular episode: Wonder Woman is in her invisible jet, which makes about as much sense as it needs to; however, Superman is in some sort of space pod with grappling arms. Can’t Superman travel through space and breath in a vacuum? Why does he need this dinky robo-canoe to help the space ship? You’d think that with his super strength and all, it’d be better if he were doing the work hands on.

Anyway, we find out the ship was carrying Kryptonite cargo, which would explain the space pod if it weren’t holed up in a cargo ship that gets jettisoned into the black hole seconds into the show. Our heroes succeed in saving the actual ship and its inhabitants, but Superman is somehow caught into pull of the black hole and sucked in. Wonder Woman surmises that he was knocked unconscious by “the blast” (the blast of WHAT? What just happened?).

Superman and his space pod suddenly appear out the other end of the black hole (bad science, I know, but I don’t want to write a textbook documenting every incident of that sort of thing in this episode) where Superman declares that he had passed out. He immediately recognizes the surrounding space and the nearest planet as Krypton! As far as Superman can figure, he must’ve traveled back in time through some sort of Saturday morning cartoon humbuggery. I’m willing to believe this mostly because it finally explains why he was in the goddamn space pod. If he wasn’t, the red sun would turn him into a hunky space anchovy upon first sight.

Superman takes his pod down to the planet and meets some of the locals. The first people he meets are a young woman that thinks Superman looks more like a Kryptonian than an earthling (what’s the difference? Nerds! Write in and tell me) and a man that tells him, by Krypton standards, the year is 5752.8. Superman immediately recognizes that Krypton is do to explode in less than an hour. If your brain is starting to painfully ooze a mysterious fluid at this point it’s normal. Trust me.

The Kryptonian high Council debates whether or not the planet is going to explode (does this conversation ever end with the planet not exploding?). Jor ‘El begs the council to evacuate the planet; however, the Council laughs him off. It’s a pretty bold statement when you’re dressed as, well, fabulous as they are if you know what I mean. Superman intervenes, but succeeds only in making Jor ‘El suspicious.

All of the sudden, Krypton is on the verge of destruction, meaning the council probably should’ve had that conversation last week. At any rate, Jor ‘El is about to send his son off to Earth. Superman decides to play a little God today and uses the “anti-matter” power core of his space pod to subdue Krypton’s sun and save the planet. Jor ‘El and everyone else is enthused and Superman leaves happy as could be, which pretty much proves he’s the biggest idiot to ever put on a pair of spandex (and that’s saying something).

Back in his own time, Superman returns to the Hall of Justice only to find it destroyed. Amongst the wreckage, he finds Robin pleading for his life. Superman tries to help him only for the boy wonder to say that Superman isn’t a Superfriend. Superman FINALLY figures out he’s a major fuck up; he was never sent to Earth because he saved Krypton, the Legion of Doom has enslaved the Earth, and the rest of the Superfriends are dead.

On the other hand, this has got to be quite the ego boost for the Man of Steel, finally having proof that he’s the only thing preventing the damnation of humanity.

Superman then races back into the black hole and goes back to Krypton where he arrives BEFORE his anti-matter power source exploded, removes it, and makes sure that his young self is sent off to Earth via Express mail. Finally, he races back through the black hole again to join the present as it was originally intended. Superman was only gone a few seconds according to the commander of the alien ship, but Superman assures him it felt like an eternity.

Yuck, Yuck.

When time travel is done well it usually still has some holes and improbabilities in the finer details. When the Superfriends do it, it causes brain lesions. I need a doctor.

Scorecard:
One black hole, Ridiculously bad fashion, One exploding planet, One load dumped, Two speeches about being from the future, Two spaceships, Suspiciously bad science, One case of mistaken identity, The Hall of Justice in ruins, and damning proof that time travel is far too much responsibility for these dunderheads.

Quotes:

Wonder Woman: “Superman can you hear me? The blast must’ve knocked him unconscious… He is drifting into a black hole and there’s NOTHING WE CAN DO!”

Superman: “Great Scott, It’s my home planet Krypton! I must’ve traveled through a space time warp and arrived before Krypton was destroyed.”

Kryptonian #1: “Greetings from Krypton, where do you come from?”
Superman: “I, uh, come from Earth.”
Kryptonian #2: “Yes, I’ve heard of that planet, but you look more like a Kryptonian than an Earth man.”
Superman: “What year is this?”
Kryptonian #1: “By Kryptonian standards it is the year 5752.8.”
Superman: “Great Krypton, this planet is due to explode in less than an hour!”

Superman: “The red sun is effecting my X-ray vision, I’ve only got three seconds!”

Next Time… Our world is nearly enslaved by toy robots, The Gotham toy company dooms us all, Oh GOD it’s a freaking Wonder Twins episode, Batman gets owned, Robin gets it even worse, and Zan comes up with even more ridiculous things to morph into.

Rating: 1.

“Who’s Bright Idea Was It To Leave the State Prison Precariously Perched In the Deserted Mountains?”

2010-07-19T10:33:00.001-07:00

MAY CONTAIN SPOILERS

“Defenders of the Earth” was a short lived animated TV show that was a co-production between Marvel Comics and King Productions. The show lasted one season producing over sixty episodes before concluding. Each episode fell into a thirty minute timeslot and depicted an episodic story detailing the struggles between Ming, the Merciless’ Earth invasion forces and a group of lesser known heroes lead by Flash Gordon. Ming plots to take over the world and rebuild it in his image. The show had a comic tie-in that lasted four issues, issue one written by Stan Lee his own self. The show began in 1986 and ended its run the same year.

Episode One, Season One -- “Escape from Mongo.”

Episode Cast:
Flash Gordon… Theme Song NOT By Queen. (debut)
Mandrake… Superhero Magician. (debut)
The Phantom… Looking Fabulous. (debut)
Lothar… Mandrake’s Man Friday. (debut)
Kshin… Resident Kenny #1. (debut)
LJ… Blandy McBland. (debut)
Rick… Flash, Jr. (debut)
Jedda… In Black Body Suit. (debut)
Dale… Dressed Like She’s in Flesh Gordon. (debut)
Ming… uh, the Merciless? (debut)

Comments/Summary:
After what could possibly be one of the WORST theme songs for an eighties cartoon I’ve ever heard (“DEFENDERS OF THE EARTH/Defennnnnders!”)the debut episode of “Defenders of the Earth” begins during a violent thunderstorm. A burning space rocket careen down to Earth, nearly landing on the front porch of Mandrake’s isolate mansion. Lothar and Mandrake investigate the crashed vehicle and discover Flash Gordon passed out inside. Flash is given some tea and he tells his rescuers that his wife and child are being held prison by Ming on his planet, Mongo (doesn’t this sound a lot like a Calvin and Hobbs daydream?). Flash also informs them that Ming is looking to take over the Earth. Lothar thinks it sounds like science-fiction until a pair of flashing lights appear in the sky, plummeting towards the ground.

Jeez, the dude’s talking to FLASH GORDON and is disbelieving of an invasion of Earth? Talk about all balls and no brains.

The bright lights turn out to be a couple of laser firing automatons that burst into the mansion in an attempt to capture Flash. Mandrake uses his powers to dupe them into thinking Flash left in his spaceship through deception.

On Mongo, Ming and his son learn that their adversary has escaped capture, but Ming isn’t concerned. They still have his family, meaning Flash will be along at some point. Dale and Rick wait in an ice cage where Dale conceals herself from sight. A couple of robot guards believe she has escaped when they can’t SEE HER and, get this, blast the ice bars to get inside. Rick is able to escape after Dale disarms one of the guards, but his mother is quickly recaptured. I don’t even know what to say about this. There’s incompetence, and then there’s whatever you call this.

Rick hides amongst the barren tundra and is then pulled into a small tunnel by some sort of furbie. Once he realizes the creature is lonely, Rick bonds with it because, you know, it’s really cute.

Back on Earth, Flash finds out that Lothar has repaired his spaceship and asks them to come along with him to stop Ming from invading Earth. Lothar and Mandrake agree; however, Mandrake demands that Kashin stay behind and finish his homework (REALLY!?! We’re getting a PSA from these drips, too?).

Back on Mongo, Rick and his furbie are attacked by Ming’s pet Dratini, but nevertheless go undiscovered by Ming (who’s a whole five feet away). Ming has bigger things to deal with though, as he goes about interrogating Dale about Flash’s whereabouts. He demands that the ‘Inquisitor’ be used on her, unfortunately for him Rick shows up and blasts the machine before retreating. Ming is understandably pissed until his computer picks up Flash’s ship making its way back to Mongo. Really, this makes his job about ten times easier now.

Ming orders the ship shot down and an aerial battle ensues with Mandrake creating illusion copies of Flash’s ship, which tricks them into destroying several of Ming’s buildings. Flash and the gang decide to continue the battle on foot where they find Rick and watch Ming take off in a flying saucer. Flash finds Dale unconscious on the Inquisitor. Flash promises justice and Rick cries.

Back on Earth, Ming sets up a base in the Antarctic to uphold his technology. Ming then unveils his plan to capture Rick as a means for getting Flash to surrender. Somehow Ming knows that Rick will be starting high school soon, which will be the perfect time to grab him… I’m sorry, but isn’t Ming a ruthless overlord? When the Hell did he turn into a Lifetime Original Movie villain?

At any rate, Mandrake decides they need an expert tracker to find Ming and knows the perfect person: the Ghost Who Walks. In Africa, the crew goes in search of the Phantom only to be captured by a group of natives (could they be CANNIBALS?!?). They are eventually lead to a young woman who inquires--none too politely--as to their identities. Mandrake makes their intentions know and Jedda reveals that the Phantom is her father. At the Skull Cave, the Phantom agrees to help them, though he’s concerned for his daughter. Flash insists on letting her attend high school with Rick and LJ (Lothar’s son), which pleases both pubescent boys to no end when they finally see her. And NOBODY freaks out about the black panther hanging around outside the school grounds in plain sight. Whatever.

Rick and LJ are approached by two identical twins in matching suits that proclaim themselves to be friends of Flash, even though they’re speaking in a voice that just screams “I’m an evil robot in disguise!” Rick and LJ aren’t duped by the abductors, so they are taken by force in an armored van. Jedda sees this happen and telepathically tells her panther to follow the van.

With Flash and the others, Jedda is able to locate the whereabouts of the van at the abandoned state penitentiary that happens to be cliff side (…). The Phantom then invokes the power of ten tigers to scale its outer wall and open the front gates for everyone else. Inside, they come face to face with Ming and his cronies from the Blue Man Group. They don’t put up much of a fight either as all four of them are detained for a typical super-villian-ish death. Somehow it involves electrocution.

Rick and LJ are aware that their fathers are there and LJ karate kicks the door down. Why didn’t he do that earlier? Anyway, they escape. Jedda is made aware of the problem as well and races to help. Ming finds that his execution plot has failed thanks to Rick and LJ who then assists in the heroes’ escape. They get out just in time before the entire jail explodes.

The episode ends with the entire group forming the Defenders of the Earth, dedicated to fighting threats against all mankind and what have you.

WOW. This show is something else, it’s extremely silly and falls into many of the most reviled pitfalls of cartoon shows of the time, but it does bring a few unique things to the table in this first episode. First, there’s a lot of characters and most of them are given enough personality to at least make them relevant. Everyone is logically tied into a related web that makes the entire alliance feel plausible. Even though the show is full of laughable moments, there’s some serious stuff involved too. Flash’s wife, Dale, is actually killed in this episode and that is acknowledged by the creation of the group’s supercomputer (see episode two). It’s less stupid than, say, “Challenge of the Superfriends,” though not by much.

Scorecard:
One crash landing, Violent Interrogation, Giant serpent attack, One dead mother, Three evil schemes, Aerial dog fighting, One vow of vengeance, One fair-haired alien plush toy, Abduction, Robots with no pupils, One gratuitous trip to Africa, Ski tight jeans, FREEEEEEZE! beams, and Some of the most ludicrous architecture that I’ve seen since Tim Burton took over my Christmas party.

Quotes:

Jedda: “School is no place for a panther.”

Flash: “Ming’s home planet, Mongo, is dying from the lack of resources. He plans to leave Mongo and invade the Earth. I came to warn you, but my ship was chased and shot down by Ming’s ice robots.”
Mandrake: “You must rest my friend.”
Kshin: “Wow, they don’t teach anything like this in science class.”
Lothar: “It sounds more like science fiction, Kshin, nothing like that could ever--”
*Ice Robots bust through mansion front window, lasers blasting*

Robot #1: “The female earthling is gone!”
Robot #2: “BLAST IT OPEN!”

Flash: “I don’t believe it, it’s got to be one of your tricks, Mandrake.”
Mandrake: “It’s no illusion.”
Lothar: “Just a little elbow grease… and some knowledge of astro-mechanics.”

Mandrake: “What impertinence, they’re shooting back.”

Next Time… Ming mugs every second he can, Rick plays God with their new super computer, the search for a happening new pad is on, there’s an alien invasion--no I guess not, jellyfish men, bad jokes a plenty, KOMEDY, aerial battles, and more of the same ridiculous nonsense you will come to expect from this eye roller of a show.

Rating: 2.

“All I Want For My Birthday is One Dead Godzooki… PLEEEASE! I‘ll Be You’re Best Friend.”

2010-07-07T12:21:00.000-07:00

MAY CONTAIN SPOILERS

Last Time… Scientists become stranded on a mysterious volcanic island, the token late seventies group of diversity (meaning one white girl, one black guy, two white guys and a dinosaur) come to their rescue, Godzookie doesn’t obey orders, neither does Peter, there was an underwater wrestling match, and enough slapstick to put me on sabbatical for a couple weeks.

Episode Two, Season One -- “The Eartheater.”

Episode Cast:
Godzilla… Friend to All Taxpayers.
Godzooki… Glory-Hound.
Pete… Fluent in Monster-ese.
Carl Majors… Makes Bad Puns.
Quinn… With the Least Sexy Haircut Ever.
Brock… With the Most Sexy Haircut Ever.

Comments/Summary:
After the kickass theme song our episode begins in San Francisco where a building under construction is suddenly swallowed up by the earth during a tremor. Then a WHOLE CITY BLOCK is engulfed in similar fashion. In a cavern beneath the city, the source of the mayhem is revealed to be a giant monster (really!?! I thought it would be Fay Dunaway!) with an appetite for construction materials. How this thing evolved is anyone’s guess, frankly I was more concerned with the nearly pornographic close-up of the monster euphorically gumming cinder blocks. I mean this thing just goes to town like a two year old on a birthday cake. Aboard the Calico, the group talks about going to San Francisco so that Quinn can speak at a “Scientific Convention,” presumably she means a Star Trek convention. She LOOKS like a trekkie anyway.

As they close on their destination, Peter laments that Godzooki is nowhere to be found (REALLY? Thank Christ!). The worry is short lived as they find Godzooki swimming beneath the boat (God. Damnit.). At any rate, the crew taps into a radio transmission ordering everyone to evacuate the city. They don’t find out why because the broadcast cuts out at the most inopportune moment.

There are so many people attempting to leave the city that the Golden Gate bridge is threatening to collapse, so Majors pages Godzilla like he’s an emergency room doctor. Godzilla does show up and takes out a piece of the bridge and ferries it safely to the coast. I imagine that, after he leaves, everyone makes fun of the big lug for sounding so constipated when he roars.

The crew drives into the city to see what the big deal is and find the city mostly in ruins. Brock, Majors, and Quinn decide to inspect one of the craters and tell Peter to wait in the Jeep (like that will ever work) and give him the “we’ll be right back” speech. Suddenly another tremor appears, swallowing Peter and Godzooki up. Peter is safe and finds a tunnel. The crew decides to follow it and meet up with the monster, which prevents their escape attempt by using a sonic blast to cause a cave in. Majors then flashes his brights to chase the monster away so that they can escape through another cave opening.

Everyone is relieved to get back on the surface until they find the creature right on their heels. Majors tries to call Godzilla, but he’s lost his pager! Wonder how expensive that is to replace…

Anyway, Godzooki decides to call Godzilla himself. Godzooki also has to save his friends again by pushing their jeep out of some mud. Godzilla shows up and uses his eye lasers to get the advantage; however, the monster escapes after a sonic blast.

Quinn then comes up with a plan to tranquilize the beast. Majors, Peter, and Brock use gas bombs to drive the monster to the surface so Godzooki can call Godzilla again. The crew finds an errant cable car to use for a quick escape, but they find out the brakes don’t work! Godzilla is able to save them before engaging in monster rumble round two.

The Eartheater runs away again, but this time Godzilla gives chase, leering around the city. Fortunately, the monster picks the worst possible hiding spot (atop the Golden Gate Bridge?!?). A beam battle ensues with Godzooki interfering to distract the Eartheater. The plan allows Godzilla to blast out the bridge and send his foe into the bay where it dissolves into mud. Godzilla seems pretty pleased with his victory.

In the weirdest moment yet, Godzilla actually waves goodbye to the Calico crew.

You know, aside from the really contrived ending (where the monster has to put itself in the worst possible position to be defeated), this episode actually improves on what was done previously. It does a good job of establishing the threat and developing the story in twenty minutes to seem action packed and having a solid story to buoy it. I really enjoy most of the characters with the exception of Pete and Godzooki. The adults aren’t made to look like fools and get enough chance to develop into well rounded personalities.

Scorecard:
Mass vandalism, conveniently shoddy radio broadcasting, three earthquakes, SONIC BOOOOM!, disproportion-fu, advertising for Buzz cola, Greco-Roman Kaiju wrestling, a Godzilla cheerleader squad, Monster charades, fire breathing, shadow boxing, laser eyes, Roland Emmerich syndrome, Sleeping gas bombardment.

Quotes:

Bystander: “It’s Godzilla! He’ll save us!”

Peter: Oh boy, some adventure at last!”

Quinn: “Please Carl, I don’t want to hear the word ‘mud’ again.”

Quinn: “That bridge is about to collapse!”
Majors: “It sure can’t support the weight of all those cars.”
Peter: “Captain Majors, call Godzilla!”
Majors: “You’re right! He’s the only one who can help.”

Quinn: “The Earth! It’s swallowing up Pete and Godzooki!”

Next Time… Scientists find more trouble than they bargained for (again), magical treasure, one of those Egyptian curses comes to life and it’s a doozy, belly flopping, the destruction of one of the most recognizable landmarks in Africa, and we’ll finally find out how H-B made those damn Smurfs.

Rating: 3.

“The Only Way to Stop an Atomic Horny Toad is an All-Out Karate Mud Wrestling Match in…”

2010-06-20T09:08:00.001-07:00

MAY CONTAIN SPOILERS

"Ultraman" is a Japanese tokusatsu (special effects) series that began in the summer of 1966. In each episode, meant to fill a half hour timeslot, the Science Patrol would respond to threats against the Earth, usually involving giant monsters destroying some part of the Japanese country side. The show was the brain child of Eiji Tsuburaya, the famous SFX artist on many of the early Godzilla films for Toho. After his death in 1970, Ultraman and many other popular characters continued ot make appearances thanks to his production company. The show lasted less than a year, going forty episodes, and was immensely popular, spawning several sequels, follow-ups, and immitators.

Episode One, Season One -- “Ultra Operation No. 1.”

Episode Cast:
Hayata… Level Headed Hero. (debut)
Arashi… Not So Level Headed. (debut)
Ito… Inventor And Resident Coward. (debut)
Fuji… Japanese Girls Are HAWT. (debut)
Captain Muramatsu… NO HORSEPLAY! (debut)
Hoshino… Resident Kenny. (debut)
Ultraman… Needs To Learn How To Drive. (debut)

Comments/Summary:
[NOTE: Okay, try to follow me on all of this because the DVD version of this show (provided by Mill Creek) randomly switches between dubbing and subtitles. It’s a bit aggravating to take notes when you’re not able to depend on just listening while you write.]

The episode opens with two glowing spheres chasing each other through space while a narrator talks about the science patrol and its duty to protect the world from all sorts of bat crazy shit that only happens in Japanese TV shows… or American shows that crib most of their footage from crazy Japanese TV shows (see Rangers, Power). Hayata spots the spheres darting around and calls it into headquarters and is told to continue monitoring the situation.

One of the spheres settles above a lake near a group of campers. It eventually submerges and explodes into a foaming whirlpool. Hayata, investigating way to close to be discreet, is then hit by the other flying sphere, which destroys his plane, the sphere and him. The campers look on in horror as the crash creates a large fire in the forest. A report sent into the Science patrol informs them that Hayata has crashed and, after radio contact fails, the Captain decides to take the rest of the crew to find him.

In the forest, the campers find Hayata’s remarkably preserved body away from the burning wreckage. His body then levitates off the ground and is encapsulated in the red sphere. Hayata’s prone body is then sternly lectured out Ultraman’s origins and remorsefully apologizes for killing him. In a bit of reconciliation, Ultraman somehow combines his life-force with Hayata’s to bring him back to life. Now entwined, Hayata can summon Ultraman’s power whenever he needs to using a “Beta Capsule” he’s given.

Later, the Science Patrol arrives at the wreckage and finds the campers and local officials passed out. The civilians then inform the Patrol of the crash before forming a search party to find Hayata. After several hours, Hayata is still not found; however, a giant horny toad looking monster shows up in the lake. It doesn’t do much besides roar, which is enough to get the Science Patrol shooting lasers at it and the locals fleeing the scene. The monster eventually recedes.

Back at headquarters, Hayata surprisingly calls in and demands their S-16 submarine be brought to the lake ASAP. Fuji drops the sub on the lake and tells the rest of the patrol that Hayata is still alive. The patrol isn’t quite sold on this until he shows up on a speedboat (where the Hell did he get that?) telling them that they must stop Bemular before he tries to get out of the lake.

Underneath the surface, Hayata pilots the S-16, searching for Bemular while he rest of the patrol waits in their plane. Hayata locates the monster and fires torpedoes at its butt. Bemular surfaces and gets a face full of missile. The Science Patrol has to repeat this process twice more (like any good Nintendo villain) before Bemular’s had enough and captures the submarine in its jaws. Bemular then gets on shore and attempts to blow the patrol plane out of the sky with his atomic breath. Hayata--having been knocked unconscious when Bemular tosses the sub on land--wakes up and uses his capsule to turn into Ultraman.

A narrator explains the transformation to the audience as the two giants engage in a rough and tumble brawl. Bemular gains the upper hand and turns the fight into a mud wrestling match on the lake shore until Ultrama gets a hold of his tail. The light on Ultraman’s chest then starts blinking, signaling that his energy is getting low. So, Ultraman uses a reverse airplane spin/gorilla press combo to finish Bemular off. The monster then turns back into a glowing sphere in an attempt to retreat, but gets blasted with a karate laser instead.

The episode ends with Hayata finally appearing on the shore to reunite with the rest of the patrol. He plays it cool by answering all of their questions about Ultraman, but insists that its not him. The rest of group takes it in stride and decides to go back to headquarters.

If you haven’t seen this show than you should go out and pick it up as soon as possible. Although cheaper and possibly even sillier than kaiju films, “Ultraman” is classic suitimation stompin’ action in easily digestible twenty minutes doses. The show starts off kind of slow, but it delivers a number of home run episodes later in the series. Highly recommended.

Scorecard:
Best theme music ever, King Kong sighting, Rodan sighting, one Ghidorah phone, one toad monster, mud wrestling, atomic halatosis, Ken Patera wrestling moves, judo throw, karate chops, one nuclear submarine, one state of the art war jet, three explosions, a trickle of blood, one transformation, and one giant conspicuous monologue about the guy you’re claiming not to be.

Quotes:

Arashi: “Look, what’s that?”
Ito: “It must be a danger signal, red lights are always hazardous.”
Captain: “Maybe not.”

Narrator (subs): “He is an immortal being that destroys evil with massive power.”

Ito: “Then you really are Hayata!”
Hayata: “Of course I’m Hayata. And nobody else, is that clear?”

Ito: “What is he called?”
Hayata: “He hasn’t got a name.”
Ito: “He doesn’t, eh? I bet he does, now tell us what it is!”
Hayata: “I’ll think of one… ah, does Ultraman sound alright?”
Fuji: “Ultraman?”
Hayata: “Uh-huh, Ultraman. How do you like it?”
Ito: “Well, it, uh… sounds Ultra-good.”

Next Time… the Science Patrol must investigate strange goings on at a museum, Ito breaks the fourth wall, we’re stuck in a flashback, the Baltans appear, models on strings are blown up with firecrackers, and Ultraman appears again to take on the most underwhelming alien invasion I’ve ever seen.

Rating: 3.

"Upcoming content."

2010-06-18T09:45:00.000-07:00

While I plan on continuing each of the series I've started, the idea is to have enough going so that a pretty healthy rotation can amke it so I'm not glutting up Five Alarm with the same show all at once. Right now, the next two reviews will likely be "Ultraman" ep. 1 and "Godzilla" ep. 2. Unfortunately, that means coming back to "King Kong" and "Superfriends" will be far sooner than I wanted. For that reason, I'll be on the hunt for other shows to start so that I can do an episode of a show and maybe come back to it for the next installment in a month or so. That way I don't get tired of recapping as easily ("King Kong" nearly broke me after three segments in a row, that show is not good) and it makes updates more varied and exciting.

Shows I'm looking at: "Space Sentinels," "Freedom Force," "Dungeons & Dragons," and "Galactic Guardians."

A lot of H-B and Filmation, but those are the most fun.

“Giant Monsters Apparently Don’t Breath Air Nor Do They Obey the Laws of Physics According to…”

2010-06-17T10:18:00.000-07:00

MAY CONTAIN SPOILERS

The Godzilla series was a Hanna-Barbera/Toho co-production that ran from 1978 to 1981 in various timeslots. Each episode was approximately twenty-two minutes that would pit Godzilla and the crew of the Calico vessel against some sort of monster or numerous creatures. The show appeared as a part of several “combo shows” as well as a stand alone cartoon during its run where it was placed alongside other H-B creations like “the Globetrotters,” “Dynomutt,” and “Hong Kong Phooey.” Each episode was supposed to have a small piece where it explained some sort of scientific aspect of the narrative, thus giving it an educational quality. Interestingly, Toho allows H-B the rights to use the name and likeness of their most popular character, but didn’t allow them to use his trademark roar. Instead, a generic monster cry was used.

Episode One, Season One -- “the Firebird.”

Episode Cast:
Godzilla…Tuned to 102.9. (debut)
Godzooki… I Don’t Want to Talk About it. (debut)
Quinn… ‘Cause the Feminists Said So. (debut)
Carl Majors… White Bread. (debut)
Pete… Straight Outta Village of the Damned. (debut)
Brock… Major’s Man Friday. (debut)
The Firebird… Breaths Under Water. (debut)

Comments/Summary:
As the episode begins, a couple of scientists witness a volcanic eruption. The disaster becomes more violent causing their boat to capsize and lava to start spewing forth all over the island. In a panic, the scientists radio for help unaware that a large pterosaur like monster has risen from the mouth of the volcano.

Aboard the Calico, Godzooki and Resident Kenny finish playing a game of hide and seek just in time for a large wave to bear down on the ship. Knowing that their boat won’t be able to stand the impact, Captain Majors uses his Godzilla communicator to summon the giant monster, who is nice enough to save the Calico. Godzooki seems especially delighted at this (and his annoying theme song is in full swing). After some bad comic relief, Godzilla sinks back into the ocean while the Calico goes off to investigate the distress signal sent out by the scientists.

Apparently the Calico is some sort of super ship that can ski across the water at amazing speed, though not fast enough to leave Godzooki stranded at sea (damnit!).

Majors and Brock save the scientists from the island just in time. Back on the Calico, the scientists are worried that the cause of the eruption may not bode well for anyone. To investigate, Brock and Quinn use their helicopter to get close to the volcano only for the Firebird to once again appear, but it doesn’t do much besides screech and flap its wings a lot before disappearing.

Quinn and the two scientists suggest exploring the volcano through some ancient lava tunnels, which doesn’t really tickle the Captain’s fancy at all. Nevertheless, Brock, Majors, Quinn and one of the scientists end up going on the suicidal adventure anyway. Godzooki eventually follows, which leads to Pete following in the helicopter that he’s piloting by himself. I guess that other scientist saw NO REASON to stop the kid from putting himself in danger. Maybe he’s just a chicken shit.

Inside the volcano, the group figures they’re getting close to the core (!!?) when a tremor closes off their path, forcing them to take another route. At the core, they finally discover the Firebird and are suitably horrified. Quinn hears Pete hollering through the tunnels and instruct Godzooki to fly them over the Firebird so they can leave. After this, the group easily escapes the island and gets back on the Calico in time to see the Firebird rise from the volcano.

With the Firebird poised to free itself from the lava, Majors calls Godzilla to take care of business. Both monsters roar at each other for a while until the bird takes flight and fires some halitosis rays at Godzilla (who seems mildly annoyed). Godzilla is then attacked from behind and lifted off the ground by the Firebird, but Godzilla regains his footing and smacks his opponent with his tail. Godzilla then loses a staredown when he falls back into the ocean (douche!). The firebird then flies away.

The scientists hypothesize that the monster will migrate to the artic to lay its eggs, so the Calico and Godzilla travel there and wait for it to show up. The Firebird does show up and Godzilla goes for round two. During the fight, Godzooki interferes, getting hit with a fire blast and smashed under the Firebird’s tail (YES!). Godzilla saves the stupid thing and then resumes fighting under water. And if you think that doesn’t make much sense, Godzilla defeats the Firebird by trapping it in an underwater cave. Presumably leaving the creature to drown.

We get one more Godzooki pratfall and then the episode ends.

I have to say, I really liked this show as a kid and it holds up a lot better than most of these Hanna-Barbera cartoons. Why they decided to change so much of Godzilla’s appearance and trademark attributes is anyone’s guess, but it’s still the most faithful American adaptation to date (not saying a whole lot).

Scorecard:
One volcano eruption, one tidal wave, one porno mustache, two comedy pratfalls, one stern lecture, two monster big battles, laser beams, fire breath, tail smashing, one giant pterosaur, piggy backing, one afro, underwater smack down, and more bad fashion than is normally allowed by the FCC.

Quotes:

Scientist: “You can actually talk to him?”
Pete: “Well sort of, it’s more kinda knowing what he’s thinking most of the time.”
Scientist: “Amazing, would you say that he’s thinking of flying off somewhere?”
Pete: “No way!”
Scientist: “Well, there he goes.”
Pete: “Godzooki, come back!”

Pete: “If I know Godzooki he’s going to that island… Someday I’ve got to have a long talk with that monster.”

Majors: “We need Godzilla!”

Next Time… San Francisco in shambles, more tunnels, some sort of junk eating creature menaces the principle casts, more Godzooki pratfalls, more Pete-isms, more of Brock’s ‘fro, and more good old fashioned monster ass whooping by your pal and mine.

Rating: 3.

"More excuses!"

2010-06-15T13:43:00.000-07:00

A new article should be around the corner, my final is coming up so that's monopolizing my time. I expect to get two posts in for June and then be more productive in July.

The VideoLog will continue since it's easy to write something quick and be done, otherwise I will be starting "Godzilla: the Animated Series" and probably get in the first episode of "Ultraman." I actually just finished the entire series and it was really good. Forty episodes have never gone so fast.

Thanks to anyone out there who's being patient with this little site.

“The Tribulations of Having Children When You‘re a Man of SCIENCE.”

2010-05-26T09:42:00.001-07:00

MAY CONTAIN SPOILERS

Last Time… We met Tom of T.H.U.M.B. and his sidekick, we also met M.A.D. and their pet piranha they keep in a goldfish bowl, Tom was almost squashed, beaten, eaten, hooked, and groped, but he somehow made it out with his skin intact. This is despite the fact that he is nearly criminally inept, especially so for a government agent.

Episode One, Segment Three -- “The Treasure Trap.”

Episode Cast:
Professor Bond… Terrible Parent.
Bobby… Ne’er-do-well.
Susan… Bookworm.
King Kong… Frequently Out of Proportion.

Comments/Summary:
As the episode starts, Bobby dives off of Kong’s stomach into the ocean, assuring that he’s going to go down as deep as he can. Kong is ambivalent. Bobby swims down to the sea bottom and finds a sunken ship that looks like it has been there a while. Bobby comes back to the surface excited about his new find and rushes off to tell his dad. Professor Bond informs his son that he already knew about the “Spanish wreck.” Despite his son’s enthusiasm to go down with scuba gear and look for treasure, Professor Bond says they’ll have to do it another time.

Bobby then approaches his sister, who is laying in a hammock and reading, if she wants to dive with him. Although treasure is a possibility, Susan blows him off in favor of finishing her book. Her brother is obviously displeased and he decides to see if Kong would like to assist him (and if you’re wondering how, join the club).

On the beach, Bobby has a rope tied around his torso and instructs to wait for him to tug on it as the signal for Kong to pull him out of the ocean. Kong doesn’t look like he gets it at first, but Bobby seems pleased when Kong starts randomly pulling on the rope, dragging him out of the surf. Bobby then submerges fully expecting that he will score some serious treasure.

On the old ship, Bobby searches around and quickly locates a locked chest. As he tries to open it, an earthquake suddenly hits Mondo Island; Professor Bond is startled, Kong looks around like an idiot, and Susan gets jarred from her resting place. On the sea bed, the ship is also shaken from its place and falls off the shelf it was on and plummets deeper in the bay. Startled, Bobby tries to escape.

On the surface, Bond and Susan finally realizes that Bobby is missing. Susan puts the situation together instantly and both go rushing off to the beach. Bond questions Kong and then runs off again to get his scuba gear. The Professor then reveals that the air tanks were not refilled after the last scuba trip that was made, so Bobby probably has little to no air remaining. And how they refill the air tanks in the first place is a very good question. Seriously, they’re on an ISLAND with no real technology present. Do they blow into them?

Professor Bond follows the rope Kong is hanging on to and quickly locates Bobby by pounding on the ship’s hull. After figuring that Bobby is trapped, Bond returns to the surface and has Kong follow him down (and yes, he does swim). Kong easily lifts the wreckage and allows Bond to grab an unconscious Bobby, swimming him to safety. On the surface, Bobby is revived only to find that the chest he grabbed from the ship is full of old trinkets. Bond consoles his son.

The episode ends with Bobby pitching an idea to start his own treasure hunting business because, you know, this venture went SO WELL. Dumb kid.

We are then treated to two preview spots. The first is a spot for Susan to introduce Kong being attacked by a diminutive guy in a helicopter and the second shows a balding man getting ripped from his vehicle by an albino ape in war paint. Looks good next week, stuff might actually happen!

Finally, the credits roll with the catchy theme song, which was written by Maury Laws and Jules Bass. It’s also interesting to note that Toei Studio did the animation for this show.

Scorecard:
One sunken ship, no sunken treasure, ape tug o’ war, swan dive, nobody wants to play outside, galleon dead lifting, one near drowning, and, somehow, NO old pirate skeletons. Seriously, how does that happen in a kids show? I thought a sunken ship had to have pirate skeletons everywhere per kid law.

Quotes:
Bobby: “Hey, how about going diving with me?”
Susan: “Not now, Bobby, I want to finish this book.”
Bobby: “But I found an old wreck out by the reef, there might be treasure there--”
Susan: “Maybe tomorrow, Bobby. Not now.”

Bobby: “When you feel me pull on the rope, Kong, HAUL IT IN!”

Next Time… We’ve got our first mustache, science lectures, male patterned baldness, one child with arrested development, rock ‘em sock ‘em battle royal, and corrupt big business plundering our national resources (and all they needed was a row boat).

Rating: 1.

"Update from the Dead."

2010-05-25T09:22:00.001-07:00

Where have I been, right? That's what everyone must be wondering. Here's the thing, between work, school, needing a new car, needing a new computer, and some personal family issues, writing anything had to be sacrificed in the last three weeks. Hopefully, I can get back on track sometime this week, but it all depends on how the chips fall.

Hope to see you soon.

"Fred Olen Ray = Girls Get Naked."

2010-05-14T09:18:00.000-07:00

MAY CONTAIN SPOILERS

Retromedia has just released the new 20th Anniversary Edition of "Evil Toons" this month and, mostly because I haven't had time to put together anything TV related, I've decided to start a new feature here at Five Alarm TV called the VideoLog. Essentially, it will be short, mostly pithy thoughts on movies I've been watching. Some will be new releases and others will be older movies.

This time, Fred Olen Ray has sent four busty college co-eds into an old mansion to "clean up" over the weekend to earn some extra cash. Not really thrilled with this prospect, the girls use this time to eat, get drunk, and strip naked to eighties pop rock.

Along the way, David Carradine shows up and delivers an evil Necronomicon-like tome to the house. Through all kinds of hokey-jibberish, an evil spirit comes out of the book as a lecherous cartoon wolf that proceeds to possess people and do all kinds of havoc. The girl's only hope is... David Carradine? What?!?

Plot aside, there's three good reasons to watch this movie: tits, tits, and TITS. All the girls are good looking and Ray gets his money's worth making them undress in front of the camera and shake their goods like a stripper with a two-hundred fifty dollar a day habit. Heck, even Michelle Bauer gets them out and she's in the movie for maybe twenty seconds. Say what you will, but Fred's efficient at least.

There's also a lot of B-movie greats in this one. Aside from the aformentioned Bauer, there's Arte Johnson, Dick Miller (Bucket of Blood), and Don Dowe. And while Suzanne Ager, Madison, and Monique Gabrielle are not B-movie greats, they might as well be for the revealing performances they put on here.

The movie's campy, ridiculous, and never takes itself too seriously.

*NOTE: If you are the sensitive type, David Carradine is involved in an ironic opening scene where he hangs himself. It's kind of awkward.*

Rating: 3.

“Since When Are Evil Super Villains Afflicted With Arrested Development?”

2010-05-11T15:07:00.001-07:00

MAY CONTAIN SPOILERS

Last Time… Kong flattened an entire civilization, though they deserved it for living underneath a friggin’ volcano, Susan and the Professor were kidnapped by Romans, some albino found a way to combine interpretive dance and long winded monologues (and it’s pretty gay looking), and Kong was tied up yet again for a group of people to gawk at. He of course broke free.

Episode One, Segment Two -- “For the Last Time Feller, I’m Not Bait!”

Episode Cast:
Tom… Former Janitor. (debut)
Swinging Jack… Ethnic Sidekick. (debut)
The Chief… Wears High Waters. (debut)
M.A.D… Token Evil Organization. (debut)

Summary/Comments:
If anyone is curious what Tom of T.H.U.M.B. is all about, the opening theme song explains his back story. In the beginning, Tom was part of the maintenance team at the U.S. Intelligence department. He must have been incredibly clutzy since he falls down some stairs while he’s sweeping and ends up being shrunk by a laser that the scientists at the Lab just leave out for no apparent reason. Shrunk along with him is Swinging Jack, his token right hand man who is an offensive stereotype. The two of them decided to create a special bureau as a branch of the government in order to fight crime, I suppose. I mean, what else was he going to do now that he’s like two inches tall?

Anyway, the episode begins with Tom’s incredibly gruff boss opening a drawer so he can talk to Tom, who is sleeping in full secret agent regalia. Tom wakes up and is immediately whacked on head by a very small flower pot. He mistakes this for a sneak attack and stars firing his scaled-down machine gun into the air like a little psycho. His boss isn’t pleased. After wagging his finger, the boss tells Tom that an ocean liner was sunk by agents of M.A.D. The chief then tells him to recover some plans for an ultra-secret weapon that’s hidden in a safe on the ocean liner. Tom is perfect for the job despite the fact he can’t swim.

At the beach, Tom and Swinging Jack prepare to use a miniature submarine to reach the sunken boat… if they’re not stepped on first. After getting harried by a girl on the beach, Tom and Jack get on their way--until they’re hooked by a fisher man and then eaten by a fish. Eventually, they do reach their destination.

On a M.A.D. battle ship, two caped baddies worry that Tom will get to the weapon plans before they do, so they send a man-eating piranha after them (it also listens to verbal commands I guess).

On the ocean liner, Tom and Jack realize they don’t have the combination for the safe. Jack uses some explosives to open the door while Tom talks to some seahorses (?). After retrieving the plans, the heroes are attacked by the piranha. Tom thinks it’s a goldfish despite the fact that it’s black, has huge teeth, and is sporting a scowl that can only mean evil intentions. Surprisingly, Tom and Jack are able to avoid the fish’s dashing attacks until Tom is able to summon a pair of seahorses to escape on (he does this by whistling under water. The Hell?). The fish pursues them; however, Tom and Jack are able to make it back to their submarine, which has been hooked by the fisherman again. Tom then tricks the piranha into biting the hook, damning it to some unpleasant fate.

The episode ends with Tom declaring a victory for T.H.U.M.B.

After the episode, Susan tries to figure out what Kong wants, but it alludes her. Susan, frustrated, then asks Bobby who declares to her that Kong wants, “This…” before cutting to commercial. Nice way of advertising to little kids. Cripes.

Scorecard:
One exotic killer fish, two evil schemes, two fish attacks, supper for one, machine gun fire, diminutive sea worthy vessel, one explosion, two bad guys with capes and exaggerated mustaches, one whiny secretary, fashion faux pas, one warship, and no pajamas.

Quotes:

Narrator: “Tom, an average member of U.S. Intelligence maintenance department wounded in the line of duty. Tom and his faithful assistant, Swinging Jack, ran afoul of a shrinking laser beam radar gun. They gave their height for their country, thus creating the Tiny Human Underground Military Bureau. When a job calls for small thinking, it’s a job for Tom of T.H.U.M.B.”

Tom: “M. A. D… mal-adjusted, anti-social, and darn mean. An organization bent on destroying the world for their own gain.”
Boss: “I know that!”

Tom: “Whoever heard of launching a top secret mission from Coney Island?”

Next Time… Monkey shines make everyone sorry, Kong shills more crap on TV, I still don’t know why everyone wants to put Kong in bondage, Bobby turns into an American version of Kenny (complete with hot pants), and more stuff will happen I’m sure… none of it very interesting.

Rating: 1.

“Who’s Better: A Pimp, A Patriot, A Secret Agent, Tag Team Champions, A Jerk Ass, or Two Homeless Guys?”

2010-05-06T13:34:00.000-07:00

MAY CONTAIN SPOILERS

Last Time… AJ Styles heeled out with Ric Flair of all people, Kurt Angle was robbed, Abyss simpered, Hogan didn’t pose, Busty Beers lost the Knockouts Title, a whole mess of people debuted whether they were advertised or not, Scott Hall somehow got out of working a match AGAIN, New Tag Team Champions, and the TNA crowd totally reamed Hulk Hogan and Eric Bischoff for changing everything that was unique in the promotion… in the span of three weeks. I tell you, that’s amazing productivity.

TNA AGAINST ALL ODDS -- February 14, 2010.

Advertised Pay-Per-View Card:
8 Card Stud Tournament Finals: ? vs. ?
TNA Title, Special Ref. Eric Bischoff: Samoa Joe vs. AJ Styles ©.
8 Card Stud Tournament Semi-Finals: ? vs. ?
8 Card Stud Tournament Semi-Finals: ? vs. ?
Team 3D vs. the Nasty Boys.
Tournament Quarter-Finals: Abyss vs. Mick Foley.
Tournament Quarter-Finals: Kurt Angle vs. Mr. Anderson.
Tournament Quarter-Finals: Matt Morgan vs. Hernandez.
Tournament Quarter-Finals: Desmond Wolfe vs. D’Angelo Dinero.

Much like with ‘Genesis’ I’m going to break the event down into three categories: the good, the bad, and the WTF. If you don’t know what ‘WTF’ stands for… well, I pity you. I don’t really rate the matches individually, just the event as a whole. Anyway, lets get on with it.

THE GOOD

For the most part, the 8 Card Stud Tournament was time well spent. It told a good story, built up some of the new talent TNA had acquired and delivered a good payoff for the audience. The Pope was a surprise choice to win and the crowd went along with it. By the finals, he was so over the response was nearly overwhelming. It’s hard to find anything in wrestling that elicits that kind of reaction anymore (unless your name is Steve Austin or the Rock or the Undertaker). It wasn’t a perfect tournament when it came to in ring action; however, the quarterfinals delivered two solid matches in Wolfe/Pope and Angle/Anderson. Abyss/Foley and Hernandez/Morgan were okay first round matches.

Mr. Anderson put in a phenomenal performance on the night. He had three in ring matches and while none of them will be mistaken for classics, he got the best heat of anyone all night. The surprise win over Angle along with the way he won his first two matches showcased his greatest asset: his ability to play the heel role and get the his opponent over. Better than that, he had a couple of interview segments that were just phenomenal. The promo he cut before the finals was incredible.

The show opened with Ric Flair rambling off one of the most insane, scatter-brained promos I’ve ever heard. I don’t know what he said, but I know that he was pissed and he’s the man. WOOO! Really, what more do you need?

Abyss and Foley met in the Quarterfinals and their match was watchable. There were a lot of storytelling matches in the first round and this one did an adequate job of playing up the Bischoff/Foley/Abyss angle that had been evolving on iMPACT in the previous weeks. Thankfully, they made this a No DQ match at the last minute or else this could’ve been dreadful.

I haven’t seen an Abyss match that was even presentable unless it has a “No Rules” stipulation to it.

Samoa Joe and AJ Styles put together another great match with their TNA Title encounter. It wasn’t an instant classic match like some of their previous tries, yet it did a good job of balancing out the athletic display they’re known for and the multiple story elements that were added to the match. Bischoff was the special referee for the match, which was unnecessary, and his interaction with Ric Flair added a little extra oomph that made the match stand out a little bit. It’s a shame this wasn’t the main event because then the show would’ve at least went out on the highest note possible.

Lastly, the main event (and finals of the tournament) was pretty good. It wasn’t much of a match per say, though it did finish off the one night story in a satisfying manner. Anderson contributed a Hell of a lot to get the match over and the Pope’s eventual victory was made all the sweeter by the effort.

THE BAD

Although the Quarterfinals and the Finals of the tournament were solid, the semifinals were really boring. The Pope took on Matt Morgan in a fairly ordinary, Cena-style bout where Pope got the crap kicked out of him for seven minutes and then won in fluke moment. In the other match, Abyss and Mr. Anderson had a rematch from Genesis. On the bright side, it was better than their previous encounter, the bad part is that it’s still pretty bad. These two just don’t have it together and this one dragged on for way too long.

The Band (Scott Hall and Syxx) beat up Pope before the finals for some weird reason. Seriously, no X Division stars or Knockouts made the show, but the Band still gets PPV time for some unknown reason. They didn’t contribute anything and their actions didn’t make a whole lot of sense.

Why is Brooke Hogan at the PPV again? AND she’s getting more screen time than Desmond Wolfe… really, TNA?

In the only tag match of the night, the Nasty Boys took on Team 3D. Okay, this match could’ve been okay if they had given them six minutes and made it a no rules type match. The Nasty Boys excel at those and Team 3D is at their best in the same environment. Why in the Hell would you have then work a straight up tag match and give them ten minutes? It’s just way too long and the match ended being worse than even I could imagine (and I like the Nasty Boys). I think this match made my eyes vomit… and that’s not normal.

Hulk Hogan was on my TV. That’s an automatic demerit.

No Beautiful People, no Tara in her bloomers, and no Taylor Wilde. What is this, church?

Despite having a wrestling heavy show, the entire thing felt a lot longer than it actually was. The middle portion of the show just sank like a rock and nobody seemed to terribly interested in anything that happened between the end of the quarterfinals and the TNA Title match.

THE WTF

Matt Morgan and Hernandez, the Tag Team Champions, fought each other in the quarterfinals where Morgan had to cheat to win. NOTHING CAME OF IT! Way to start something and never bother continuing it, TNA.

Jimmy Hart made his TNA debut here… and the camera completely missed it. It’s not like the Nasty Boys/3D match was that interesting. The only worthwhile thing that actually happened (and this is a stretch) was Hart costing 3D the match.

Borash is back on as a backstage interviewer. That Bischoff ban lasted like two weeks, I think.

Considering the Tag Team Champions really didn’t need to be on this show (or could’ve defended their titles instead of that *other* match), TNA could’ve had some single stars that need a little push to seem relevant get in on the tournament action. Christopher Daniels, maybe?

Here are my awards for the night, and this time I promise that I didn’t spend so much time admiring Tara’s booty… mostly because she wasn’t there. Where’s my frowning face emoticon?

Major Ups to… D’Angelo Dinero
I Bite my Thumb at… Abyss
Where the Hell Was… the X Division
The REAL Star was… Mr. Anderson

Against All Odds wasn’t a bad show. As a matter of fact, the show had some solid wrestling and kept the focus in the ring for the most part. Isn’t that what we, as fans, have wanted? Well, this isn’t quite what I imagined. Much like Genesis, this really only had one match worth seeing. Styles/Joe was good, but nowhere near their best. The real problem with this show was that it was boring; one stand out match in amongst a bunch of awful to adequate ones doesn’t make an entertaining event. It certainly was more satisfying than their last offering thanks to the ending, but not that much more entertaining.

Rating: 2.

Upcoming Stuff...

2010-05-03T06:41:00.001-07:00

Here are some of the things I'm working on (between work and school) for next week:

TNA Against All Odds 2010
"King Kong" Segments Two and Three from Episode One.
"Godzilla" Hanna-Barbera Episode One.

Also, I may finally get around to Ultraman Episode One soon or maybe a special movie review of a little cult item I have in the mail. Either way, it should be a win.

“Giant, Kid Loving Ape > Volcano Worshipping Pseudo Cult of Mole People.”

2010-04-30T08:14:00.000-07:00

MAY CONTAIN SPOILERS

Hanna-Barbera were the kings of animation during the sixties and seventies, during that time they created a wide variety of entertainment that helped define Saturday mornings for generations. Although they provided a number of original characters, many fans favor their various incarnations of popular characters from other media. This included comic books (DC Superheroes) and movies (Godzilla) amongst many others. In the mid-sixties, H-B took on King Kong and produced a 26 episode run that pitted the giant ape against all kinds of villainy. Along the way, Kong bonds with a professor and his family, who he often must save from mad scientists, dinosaurs, and natural disasters. An episode of “King Kong: the Animated Series” would be comprised of three main segments. The first and third would be six minute King Kong adventures while the middle would be occupied by “Tom of T.H.U.M.B.”, a spy-type yarn about a very small agent. Sometimes there would also be one or two inserts between stories that would last thirty seconds or less. While not exactly revered today, “King Kong: TAS” is notable for inspiring the Toho movie “King Kong Escapes.”

Episode One, Segment One -- “Under the Volcano.”

Episode Cast:
King Kong… In Full-Blown Gamera Mode.
Bobby… With Candy Stripe Shirt.
Susan… She’s a Girl.
Professor Bond… A Man of SCIENCE!
Vestus… KKK Member? (debut)

Comments/Summary:
The episode begins with Professor Bond, Bobby, and Susan standing in front of a mysterious cave that Bond would like to explore. He informs Bobby that the cave looks to be too small for Kong to follow them, so Bobby has to tell his large, hairy buddy to stay put until they get back. Bond also states that he wants to be back to Skull Island by nightfall… so, they’re not on Skull Island right now. Imagine that.

In the cave, Bobby and Susan both start to get the willies and while Bond is busy lecturing them about their cowardly ways, sinister shadows loom all about them. Bobby notes that the cave keeps getting larger, Kong could’ve probably followed them inside. Bond agrees, admitting he was wrong (WHAT?! Isn’t he a man of SCIENCE?). Their talk is suddenly interrupted by an insidious cackle.

A strange, ashen man in a white robe appears and tells Bond that his name is Vestus. He also says that the cave is his home. Professor Bond is confused because Vestus seems to know Bond, which turns out to be truer than he ever could’ve thought. Vestus says Bond has been under observation “for some time” and they expected him to come around sooner or later. With that, a bunch of albino Roman soldiers appear as a welcoming party to Volcania.

Vestus reveals that he is of a people that have lived underground for centuries and his race has been working to “control the forces beneath the surface” (whatever that means). He also says that Bond is needed for them to achieve their rather vague goal and Vestus asks him to join forces in that quest. Bond assumes that Vestus is looking for world domination, which proves to be spot on. Vestus says that Bond can rule the surface world and Vestus can rule underground if they work together. Bond refuses.

Surprisingly, Vestus isn’t too perturbed by the professor’s defiance and takes Bond captive. Susan is caught easily, but Bobby manages to escape the Roman guards. This, of course, is do to cartoon rule #2, which says that nobody is as competent at evasion as a precocious young boy. Bond tells Vestus that he’ll be sorry when Bobby comes back with help; however, Vestus is well aware of Kong and has a plan for such an occasion.

Back at the cave entrance, Bobby tries to get (a rather disinterested) Kong to follow him into the cave. As they travel deeper, Kong is suddenly caught in a giant net and immobilized. Bobby is also captured.

Later, Kong is shacked to a couple pillars in an underground city. Vestus gloats that Bond is out of options and must assist his world domination plans, yet Bond still refuses if he plans to use their gains to control the surface world. Irritated, Vestus decides to sacrifice Bobby to their god (see, Vestus is their high priest) by dumping him in a volcanic vent. He gives Bond one last chance, but Bond still won’t do it! Bobby then escapes in accordance with cartoon rule #2 and pleads with Kong to save him.

Kong decides to finally break free (probably bored with all the white bread sermons) and saves Bobby, who was magically caught by one of Vestus’ bumbling henchmen while we weren’t looking. Bobby then orders Kong to save his family. The Volcanians try to stop the giant ape and fail pitifully. Kong escapes in short order by climbing out of the Volcano’s crater and accidentally sending a large boulder down upon Volcania.

Outside, Susan wonders if that was the end of Volcania. Professor Bond says they will have to check it out one day, with Kong along of course. End of episode.

The episode is then followed by a quick skit where Bobby tells Kong he’s been reading a book on mind reading. Bobby asks Kong to think of something so he can try it out. Kong looks at him stupidly and Bobby tells the gorilla, “Aw, that’s an EASY one.”

Scorecard:
One really awful theme song, volcano punching, Fay Wray impersonation, Shadowy figures, Interpretive soliloquy, Lightning (from underground?!!), Three Stooges impersonation, The black arts, One volcano complete with on/off switch, Spear attack, and One city pancaked into oblivion.

Quotes:

Bond: “Scientists don’t believe in spooks, Bobby, remember that.”
Susan: “I have the strangest feeling somebody is watching us.”
Bond: “Nonsense, Susan, you’ve got Bobby’s spooks on your mind.”

Vestus: “We need your brain, professor, to control the FORCE of the earthquake, the POWER of the volcano.”
Bond: “So you can use that power against the world above?”
Vestus: “Exactly.”

Next Time… King Kong isn’t alone in his adventures, We get life lessons (OH BOY!), A midget does midget things, The government pisses away even more money on military intelligence that isn’t very informative, There’s evil afoot, and we’re left to wonder who makes clothes for people that small (and is it profitable?).

Rating: 2.

“Honey, Today I was Saved by the Bat-Jack!”

2010-04-28T17:55:00.001-07:00

MAY CONTAIN SPOILERS

Last Time… The Super Friends had better things to do, the Wonder Twins went to a movie, Gleak went crazy, the Atom went inside an alien’s ear, the Atom also saved a group of oily teens, various wild life mysteriously showed up at an abandoned amusement park, as did a corpulent nerd, and everybody learned a good lesson about not letting Zan touch any sort of mechanical equipment.

“Lost Episode” One, Segment Three -- “Once Upon a Poltergeist.”

Episode Cast:
Batman… Niche Merchandiser.
Robin… in Speedo and Elf Shoes.
Apache Chief… He’s a Native American!
On Juan Shioni… Probably Spelled Wrong.

Comments/Summary:
The episode opens at the Wayne Building (the tallest skyscraper in Gotham City, by George) where Mr. Doyle thanks his secretary, Susan, for staying late. The come on is cut short when the building begins quaking and they demonstrate proper earthquake procedure by standing under a doorway. How that helps when you’re in a giant skyscraper is anyone’s guess.

At the Hall of Justice, Robin and Apache Chief watch the building sway on a monitor. Apache Chief concludes that it must be an earthquake, but Batman can’t get a reading off the JL Seismograph. Batman decides that the trio should check it out. I’m kind of surprised that it wasn’t a Bat Seismometer that he was reading off of. At least then it would’ve been kind of funny.

At the Wayne Building, a helicopter plummets from the roof, leaving the pilot and a shrill woman handing from the top. Both eventually lose their grip and are saved by the Bat Bag (a giant, inflatable mattress). I shit you not and it’s not even the most ludicrous thing Batman pulls of his ass in this segment. After getting some praise, Apache Chief informs Batman that he’s getting bad juju vibes from the Wayne Building.

In the basement of the building, an unseen force begins messing with the electrical equipment and strands three people in an elevator shaft. Apache Chief senses that something is amiss and encourages the other super friends to follow him inside where they find the elevator is plummeting down because the unseen force has severed the cables that hold it up. Batman and Robin realize they only have a few second to act, so they force open the elevator door and--get this--use Bat-Jacks to stop it. The passengers are grateful; however, Apache Chief feels weird again and that leads to a Native American, semi-transparent spirit head appearing out of thin air. The head declares that everyone is trespassing on his sacred land and they will regret it.

Apache Chief concludes that the building must’ve been built on an ancient Indian burial ground (he said it that way!) and the spirit will not rest until his remains are at peace. Robin breaks up the brainstorm by being levitated off the ground and being thrown against the wall. Batman decides to use his Batterang to swing down the hall (he could’ve walked a whole twenty feet to get there) and the move turns out badly for him as the evil spirit ends up pinning the caped crusader to the wall next to his sidekick. Apache Chief complains until the floor opens up and he is swallowed whole.

The building starts shaking again and, instead of trying to escape, Batman contacts his computer to do a research project for him. It pays off though because the computer declares that there is no burial site where the Wayne Building stands, only an “Indian battleground.” Apache Chief shows up and rescues his friends (sheesh, that’s almost as bad as being saved by Aquaman). He also decides that the only way to stop the spirit is to find his true burial ground.

Meanwhile, the spirit continues to rant and rave in an inappropriately stentorian voice and wreck minor havoc on the property. Batman and Robin (having escaped off screen, I guess) use some Bat Net Launcher thing to catch a falling satellite dish while people scream hysterically.

In the foot hills just outside Gotham City (which I guess is like Springfield in that it’s about two miles away from everywhere), Apache Chief finds the burial ground and lures the spirit there will smoke signals. This works and the spirit shows up, declaring that everyone will pay for whatever he’s pissed off about. Apache Chief tells him that they are now at his people’s true burial site. Unbelievably, the spirit takes this at face value and APOLOGIZES for being a minor nuisance. Seriously, that’s it! It just ends like that.

Wow. That may be the worst ending to anything I’ve ever seen. Ever. I don’t even know what to say beyond that. What is this, a Wonder Twins segment?

Scorecard:
One disembodied voice, One Bat-Bag, Two Bat-Jacks, Vandalism from beyond the grave, Evil laughter, inter-dimensional mumbo-jumbo, Bat swinging, One game of super hero toss, Giantism, Worst ending ever, Seven lame bat puns, and one epic fail.

Quotes:

Apache Chief: “My Apache Intuition tells me that the people inside are in trouble, we must hurry!”

Robin: “Holy squeeze play, Batman, I sure hope this works!”
Batman: “It’ll work, Robin, I’ll stake my reputation on it.”

Robin: “If we don’t hurry, this could end up being the Bat Burial Ground!”
Batman: “If I could just reach my Bat Radio…”

Batman: “Batman to Bat Computer, manual override.”
Bat Computer: “This is Bat Computer, we’re rolling, go ahead Batman.”

Next Time… Superman goes back to see his past… again, the man of steel alters time, Robin sasses off, a black hole sucks up a whole Hell of a lot of Kryptonite, Jor-El sighting, wacky-ass science, REALLY wacky-ass fashion, Krypton is destroyed… again, and one really sweet looking Superman space buggy.

Rating: 1.

"It's Not Against the Law to Murder People in Professional Wrestling."

2010-04-23T07:20:00.000-07:00

MAY CONTAIN SPOILERS

The WWE has become a high profile DVD manufacturer in the past five years, but they’ve been releasing special compilations, retrospectives, and events on VHS/DVD since the mid 1980s. Some of their most famous products have focused on their various fan favorite superstars like Hulk Hogan, Shawn Michaels, Steve Austin, and the Rock. The WWE found a renewed interest in their history (and the history of wrestling as a whole) in 2002 and began releasing utilizing the wealth of material that has accumulated over the decades. Along with new, specialized products the WWE also took to re-releasing some of their old compilations and transitioning them to modern media in hopes of finding a new batch of consumers.

THE UNDERTAKER -- He Buries Them Alive. (1995/2003)

Featured Superstars:
The Undertaker… Master of the No Sell.
Ted DiBiase… Owns a Tear-Away Gold Suit.
Fake Undertaker… No Sell Black Belt.
Yokozuna… Afraid of Caskets.
Kwang… Green Spew!
Jim Neidhart… Also Afraid of Caskets.
Jerry Lawler… Casket Phobia Again?!?

Comments/Summary:
Okay, before the program even starts the DVD makes you sit through a couple promo spots. The first is for WrestleMania, which serviceable though a little long, and then the requisite “Don’t try this at home” message for stupid kids that try to clothesline each other in the throat in their backyard. I wouldn’t have a problem with this; however, the WWE has made it a practice on all of their DVDs that you can’t use the skip button or the menu button to pass by them. There’s only so many times I can hear Jim Ross ask, “how do ya learn to fall off a twenty foot ladder?” before I just want to punch him in the mouth.

At any rate, once the program starts we’re greeted with Ted DiBiase, who informs us that he is the host of this little expose. Since this was originally put together in 1995 (I think) it makes sense because the Deadman never broke kayfabe until his American Badass years. Since we’re in full blown wrestling-zombie mode here, the Million Dollar Man seems like a logical choice. After introducing the topic, he goes on to laud the Undertaker as one of the best wrestlers ever and highlights Undertaker’s debut at the 1990 Survivor Series thanks to… Ted DiBiase. See? It all makes sense (sorta). With that, we’re on to our first match.

The Undertaker came back from an extended hiatus at SummerSlam 1994 after having lost a Casket Match to Yokozuna at the Royal Rumble in January of that year. When he returned, it was with his long time manager Paul Bearer who challenged Ted DiBiase, who also claimed to have control of the Undertaker. Bearer accused DiBiase’s wrestler to be a fake and said the REAL Undertaker would appear to vanquish his doppelganger in the main event of the PPV. The match is shown in full, running a bit under ten minutes, and is about as good as could be expected all things considered. The Fake Taker was played by Brian Lee, a veteran of Smokey Mountain Wrestling and, later, ECW.

We don’t get a host segment after the match; instead, we go right into the next match. This time the Undertaker has to deal with one of those masked-martial-arts-masters that are a dime a dozen in professional wrestling. The opponent’s name is Kwang and his big thing was spitting green mist into the eyes of his competitors. So, basically he’s a lame version of the Great Muta (and a fat one at that). This match isn’t shown in full, but I couldn’t tell if it was a break for commercial or if it was cut for length. Considering it’s a RAW match, I would assume the former but I can’t be sure. Undertaker wins again with a devastating choke slam.

Ted DiBiase returns to gloat and cackle like any great heel should and comments on Kwang’s defeat before introducing one of the Undertaker’s deadliest foes (up to that time) in former WWF Champion Yokozuna.

Taking place at the 1994 Survivor Series, this was a rematch from the Royal Rumble where Yokozuna and half a bajillion other heels put the Undertaker in a Casket and, presumably, sent him to Heaven. Taker was out for revenge and taunted Yoko for months that he would stuff him in a Casket. In a shocking turn of events, it turned out that Yokozuna was afraid of caskets! That’s like a Jake Roberts foe being afraid of snakes, it just doesn’t happen (sarcasm). To add to the spectacle, Chuck Norris was on hand to keep anyone from interfering. The match is cut by a few minutes unfortunately, but it’s a pretty good early ‘Taker match and the stuff with Norris on the outside is pretty funny. Neither King Kong Bundy nor Bam Bam Bigelow would even get close to him when he got his “Walker, Texas Ranger” stare going.

For some reason, we then rewind to a RAW match that happened BEFORE ‘Taker’s Survivor Series match with Yoko. This time, he’s in the ring with the dreaded (…) Jim Neidhart, whose claim to fame was playing second banana to both Bret Hart and Owen Hart at different points in his career. The match is trimmed, though it’s surprising how much offense Neidhart gets in before Undertaker big boots him out of the ring and into the casket. Freaked out, Neidhart forfeit’s the match and runs away like a lower card heel. Does anyone besides me ever wonder if the WWF/E lists a casket phobia as a requisite for employment?

Finally, we go to a Coliseum Home Video Exclusive match just for this “tape” (well, DVD copy of said tape) in which the Undertaker takes on one of his most dreaded foes… Jerry “the King” Lawler. Yep, ol’ Burger King his own self. Okay, Okay, so Lawler in his WWE days isn’t exactly the most intimidating foe for the unstoppable zombie-wrestler, but this match is by far and away the best encounter on tape. It’s not a great match; however, Lawler is such a great heel that he takes a short non-match and makes it into a huge heat segment. The crowd is just clamoring for ‘Taker to put him in the casket and they prolong it just long enough so it really means something in the end. The Undertaker doesn’t even really wrestling in the match, he just lumbers around choking the crap out of Jerry Lawler while the King cries like a girl. It’s seven minutes of pure entertainment.

The Highlight:
Aside from Lawler/Undertaker, Chuck Norris gets a huge nod here because he’s freaking hysterical. This is the guy who starred in a show where he defeated a bear by STARING AT IT. He does the same thing here, except it’s to King Kong Bundy. Jeff Jarrett comes down later and gets a roundhouse kick to the mush, which is so incredibly awesome on so many levels.

The Lowlight:
Considering the Undertaker’s often extravagant entrances are a huge part of his gimmick (even today when he is a phenomenal wrestler), we only see his awesome entrance at SummerSlam 1994. The other four matches pretty much start at the bell, which is a huge letdown. It’s especially true for the Lawler match, even if it was just a few plumes of smoke coming out of the floor Lawler could sell it like he was wetting his pants. Major downer.

Quotes (from Commentary):

Vince McMahon: “Is Bundy gonna challenge Chuck Norris? He wants too!”

Gorilla Monsoon: “THRUST KICK BY CHUCK NORRIS! This place has gone bananas!”

Vince McMahon: “Who ever thought we’d ever see a cage… and a sneezy… and a queasy… and a cheesy?”

Gorilla Monsoon: “That’s a disqual--well, there is no disqualification. Ordinarily it would be, but in a casket match there is none.”

Gorilla Monsoon: “Look a those two beauties controlling the lid, I’d like to buy a used car from them.”

Okay, so this isn’t exactly the best wrestling tape ever made, but I’m a huge fan of the Undertaker, early 1990s WWF, and cornball wrestling in general. The clipped matches are a big minus (especially the Yoko match, which was only clipped by a minute or so) and I felt a couple contests on here could’ve been replaced because they’re inconsequential to the Undertaker’s career. Nevertheless, there’s a number of fun nostalgic moments to be had here and that’s good enough for me.

Rating: 3.

“At Genesis, Watcha Ya Gonna Do, TNA, BROTHER?”

2010-04-20T13:47:00.000-07:00

MAY CONTAIN SPOILERS

Total Non-Stop Action Wrestling is a professional wrestling company that has been operating since 2002, it was founded by wrestler Jeff Jarrett and his father, promoter Jerry Jarrett. In 2005, TNA landed a cable deal with Spike TV (who had just lost WWE RAW back to the USA Network) where it has aired on Thursdays and Mondays. In 2009, Hulk Hogan and Eric Bischoff joined the company, purportedly taking over several key aspects of the promotion. Shortly thereafter, TNA’s flagship show iMPACT moved to Monday’s permanently in order to try and recreate the Monday Night Wars that had dissipated nearly a decade early with the death of WCW.

TNA GENESIS -- January 24, 2010.

Advertised Pay-Per-View Card:
TNA Heavyweight Title: Kurt Angle vs. AJ Styles ©.
Abyss vs. Bobby Lashley.
Beer Money vs. Kevin Nash/Scott Hall.
D’Angelo Dinero vs. Desmond Wolfe.
Tag Team Titles: Matt Morgan/Hernandez vs. the British Invasion ©.
Knockouts Title 2 out of 3 Falls Match: Tara vs. ODB ©.
Christopher Daniels vs. Sean Morley.
X Division Title: ? vs. the Amazing Red ©.

In lieu of a complete recap (it would be gargantuan by the end of a three hour PPV), I just want to hit the highlights of TNA’s first event since the acquisition of Hulk Hogan and Eric Bischoff. Genesis was the first credited to Hogan and several of the Hulkamania inspired creative changes were put into place at the event or just before. Being so early into the transition from TNA’s own identity and the Hoganized version, there were a lot changes implemented to make the PPV seem exciting and to set the pace for things to come. There was an obvious change in the mentality of the promotion as a whole, focusing more and more on what happened outside the ring. I’m going to break this down the easy way; we’ll hit the good, bad, and fruity.

THE GOOD

The opening match was for the X Division Title and the champion, the Amazing Red, nor the crowd were privy to the identity of his opponent until he was introduced. It turned out to be former WWE Tag Team Champion Brian Kendrick, who came out to a pretty solid reaction. Both men put on a good encounter that was a bit of a departure from the typical X Division match. There were a few high spots courtesy of Red; however, the match was otherwise low key and tempered. Kendrick didn’t get much out of his stint in TNA and has apparently moved on to other opportunities. Still, it was decent opener to the show.

Desmond Wolfe and D’Angelo Dinero had a rematch from their encounter at TNA’s first live Monday Night iMPACT and turned in a good, mat based match. Wolfe, who was popular in Ring of Honor under the name Nigel McGuiness, seemed to dictate the match and it played to his strengths. The crowd didn’t seem to be into it the whole time--they did come to life for the Pope’s comeback--but it was strong expose for Wolfe’s wrestling skills and Dinero’s popularity with the fans. Wolfe won, gaining his first PPV victory since joining the company in October.

The former Mr. Kennedy (of WWE fame) made his debut as Mr. Anderson. More on this later (sadly).

Beer Money actually went over “the Band” and, if nothing else, got the best crowd reaction the entire night.

Ric Flair made his debut on the January 4th iMPACT, he shows up in a backstage segment during Genesis and then makes his intentions in TNA known during the main event when he assists AJ Styles in retaining the Heavyweight Title. If you’re going to turn Styles heel, Flair’s a guy that can get it done.

Speaking of the main event, AJ Styles and Kurt Angle put on the match of the night. They didn’t have much competition, but that doesn’t diminish a very good match. It doesn’t compared to their matches in 2007 because it failed to match the intensity their previous feud had. Still, this was a great mix of technical, WWE style, and even a little high flying wrestling that pretty much saved the event from being a total washout. The match probably could’ve been a little shorter (it tops off at over 28 minutes), but that’s mostly nitpicking.

THE BAD

Sean Morley goes over Christopher Daniels… really, TNA? Before the match the crowd already had turned on Morley, not even Daniels’ heel promo could keep the heat off him. Unfortunately, his heel promo consisted of him saying TNA was a place for wrestling and not “sports entertainment,” essentially he cut a face promo as a heel. When that didn’t work, he started yelling, “shut up! Shut up!” at the cheering crowd in a desperate (and rather sad) attempt at getting them to boo him. Some of the fans even went with it, which is also rather sad… actually, pathetic might be a better word for it.

Sean Morley’s move set has changed since 1999, that would be impressive if his boss wasn’t the guy who’s done the same thing in the ring since 1983.

The Knockouts Title was contested in a 2 out of 3 Falls match between Tara and Chesty McDrunk her own self. My. GOD. When I hear ‘women’s wrestling,’ my first thought doesn’t go to Ms. Sweater Cows lumbering around trying to sell an arm drag. Tara wins in two straight falls, yet I was distracted by the fact that ODB was wrestling in denim. That’s got to be worse than leather (it gives me a rash just thinking about it). Also, she was apparently having a wardrobe malfunction or one of her tits is sagging more than the other.

Despite Beer Money’s best efforts not to suck, Syxx Pac (Syxx-Pack? Whatever) and Kevin Nash succeeded in doing just that. The match literally went like this: punch, kick, punch, punch, missed spot, sell Nash clothesline, punch, punch, punch, kick, blown spot, repeat for ten more minutes until Scott Hall runs his lazy ass down for the finish.

Now, I listed Mr. Anderson’s debut in the ‘Good’ section; however, it also goes in the ‘Bad’ section because he had to have an actual match with Abyss of all people. It wasn’t a hardcore match either, so Abyss just sort of lumbers around like he’s Kevin Nash for a while and then loses to a pair of brass knucks to the face. Seriously, isn’t this the guy that specializes in barb-wire-flaming-tables-crotchless-panties-filled-with-gasoline matches? I bet Ric Flair was happy to see that old chestnut get wrung out like damp underwear again. Sheesh, it would’ve been so much cooler if he had Steve McMichael’s Halliburton instead.

THE FRUITY TOOTY

The show opens with a Hulk Hogan promo in the ring (how very Vince McMahon of him) and the audience turns on him because they want their six sided ring back. Hogan brushes it off, but the crowd isn’t going to let it go that easy. During the show, the crowd would squat on a number of Hogan’s additions, including Sean Morley, Ken Anderson, Scott Hall, and Christy Hemme.

Eric Bischoff relieved Jeremy Borash of his on air duties… SAY IT AIN’T SO!

Bobby Lashley was scheduled to wrestle Abyss; however, Lashley was on his way out of the company (for real) and got assaulted by everyone’s favorite retarded giant (kayfabe). Anderson debuted to take his place, it still amazes me that some people don’t get that the bait and switch technique rarely works. This is especially the case when you advertise a pretty big encounter and then give the audience something that doesn’t equal what was promised. Mind boggling.

Early in the show, Scott Hall and Syxx Pac argue over who will be Nash’s partner. This is despite the fact that TNA advertised a Hall and Nash reunion for a couple weeks before this. Rumor had it that Hall didn’t think he was in ring condition, so Pac was inserted. The fruity part of this is that this is actually the second time that an Outsiders reunion was promised by TNA… and Scott Hall welched.

A fat chick holding an ODB sign? The Hell, you say.

Brooke Hogan was sitting in the front row and got so much camera time you’d think she was on the TNA roster. She even got into a bit of a spat with ODB, making me sort of shudder at the thought of having to sit through a terrible dance off feud or something. Honestly, have you seen Brooke dance? It’s like watching Britney Spears try to do the Can-Can in lead bunny slippers on an ice rink. Just bad.

I’ve also got some recognitions for some, um, “outstanding” performances on the night:

Major Ups to… Desmond Wolfe.
I Bite My Thumb at… Sean Morley.
Where the Hell Were… The Beautiful People.
The REAL Star was… Tara’s Fine Booty.

Thankfully, I waited to watch this on DVD via Netflix because I don’t think I would’ve watched this live and thought it was money well spent. There were a few good things and the main event was a standout, but that’s about it. The other two good matches (the X Division match and Wolfe/Dinero) weren’t blow away encounters. Essentially, this is one match show and renting it is the best option. That, or you could go back and watch some old WCW from 1995 for an approximation of the experience.

Rating: 2.

“Zan and Jana Take on the Most Dangerous Enemy of All… PEER PRESSURE!”

2010-04-18T08:40:00.000-07:00

MAY CONTAIN SPOILERS

Last Time… Batman lost his equilibrium, Superman tended his garden, Mr. Mxyzptlk showed off his ventriloquist skills, Green beans = Kryptonite in the fifth dimension, everyone tried to exchange outfits, Batman tried to loot another universe, and somebody actually has a picture of that ugly bastard Mr. Mxyzptlk on their wall (now that’s just sick).

“Lost Episode” One, Segment Two -- “Roller Coaster.”

Episode Cast:
Zan… Kind of a Snide Jerk.
Jana… Can Turn into a Walrus.
Gleak… Can’t Turn into a Walrus.
Atom… With the Power to Shrink.
The Dragons… Young Punks (debut).
Dennis… Loser Supreme (debut).

Comments/Summary:
The segment opens at an “abandoned amusement park at the edge of Metropolis” (appropriately called Metropolis Fun Park) where a trio of kids drive up to the token No Trespassing sign on the front gate. Inside their styling red two door, two rejects from “Grease” pressure a frumpy looking kid named Dennis, who doesn’t look terribly enthused about going to Fun Park (no wonder it’s closed down). The other two teens claim to be part of the gang called the Dragons and, as a part of their initiation, all prospective members must ride a dilapidated old roller coaster called The Dragon. I presume that their gang is named after the roller coaster because if it were the other way around it would be silly. The two greasers then pressure Dennis into taking a ride on the obviously dangerous machine.

Dragon #1 (I don’t believe they ever received names) turns the power on to the coaster because--lucky them--somebody left to power box open. All three of them get into one of the cars and start the ride.

Across the street at the conspicuously dirty Metropolis Theater, the Wonder Twins are just getting out of the movie. It looks like they went to a porno house, but those were mostly gone by 1983. They debate different aspects about the movie until they overhear the delinquents riding the roller coaster. Jana decides they should butt in since, you know, their lives are in danger. Zan looks more interested in going to a gay dive bar and rubbing his banana against a burly biker.

The Twins activate their powers; Jana turns into an eagle while Zan turns into water. That leaves Gleak to produce the bucket so they can all make their way into the amusement park. We also get our first Gleak pratfall. Joy. Jana must be the strongest bald eagle in history since she can carry her own weight, a bucket of water, and a blue monkey alien.

Jana flies over by the roller coaster, keeping up with the teens as they fly around the track, and lectures them. Dennis is astounded to see the Twins, but the Dragons are not impressed and one even shakes his fist at them like an old guy who doesn’t like kids skateboarding in his drive way. Zan decides they should just shutdown the ill maintained coaster themselves. Almost immediately, Zan breaks the break lever.

The support beams on the Dragon begin to crumble and the three kids realize that they are more than likely doomed. Dragon #2 whines that they never should haven ridden The Dragon. Zan tells Gleak to go get help from whomever is hanging out at the Hall of Justice (except Aquaman, Gleak, not him). You know, when you’re being bested by an old roller coaster, I think the superhero job title just isn’t working for you.

The Wonder Twins then decide to do something, so Zan turns into a roller coaster car made of ice (with his head on the front) and Jana turns into a walrus. They attempt to stop coaster cars and manage to save the greasers by hooking the back of their car with Jana’s tusks; however, Dennis is still racing towards impending hospitalization.

Meanwhile, Gleak manages to get Atom to follow him thanks to his special pantomiming skills. Atom arrives in time to shrink and enter the fuse box for the roller coaster (coincidently the same box that holds the power lever for the entire ride) and pulls out the fuses. This stops the coaster just before Dennis would go careening off a giant hole in the coaster’s track.

We finish off the episode with Zan, Jana, and the Atom all giving lectures to the three teens. The best part is that the Atom is maybe a foot tall while he’s wagging his finger at them. Zan even gets to use ‘Super Friends’ pun, which I’m sure makes everybody happy.

Alright, I’ve got one gripe about this episode… well, it’s not the ONLY gripe I’ve got, but the others are all pretty much par for the course when it comes to the Wonder Twins and especially that milk toast, Zan. The plot is lame, the moralizing trite, and the writing down right offensive to my intelligence; however, I’m going to let that slide since this is a kids show (a very, very stupid kids show) and I would be here all night complaining.

No, my main problem is with the whole ending scene where Dennis is about the fly off the tracks because a huge chunk has collapsed from neglect. How did these kids not see that before they started riding the stupid thing? It’s not like the coaster is that big and they could clearly see it after they were rescued, so what the Hell is the deal here?

Scorecard:
Coke bottle glasses, Fat outcast with nothin’ to lose, gratuitous 1950s wardrobe, Shape shifting, Superman movie poster, Multiple safety lectures, Retards play charades, Two Wonder Twins transforming light shows, Two reformed juveniles, At least one lawsuit, and Multiple counts of trespassing on their PERMANENT RECORDS!

Quotes:

Dragon #1: “They call it ‘the Dragon,’ it’s the meanest roller coaster in the country.”
Dragon #2: “Until they condemned it. I heard there were too many ‘accidents’.”
Dragon #1: “Say, if you’re still scared I understand, but we could always go… bowling.”
Dragon #2: “Yeah, you could be a member of the pin-boys club instead of the Dragons.”
Dennis: “Who me? Scared? NO WAY!”

Dennis: “Wow, this thing looks like it’s in bad shape.”
Dragon #2: “It looks mean to me… REAL MEAN.”

Zan (as an ice car): “Lets go whisker face!”
Jana (as a walrus): “That was cold, Zan, real cold.”

Next Time… Batman and Robin are haunted by the ghost of a Native American warrior, Batman and Robin have to tag along with Apache Chief thanks to affirmative action, buildings are nearly toppled, this ghost somehow knows a whole lot about electrical wiring, and Batman pulls out so many gadgets that you wonder what he doesn’t have in that trendy belt.

Rating: 1.

“Are Batman and Superman a Match for Lucky the Leprechaun?”

2010-04-14T07:44:00.000-07:00

MAY CONTAIN SPOILERS

The “Super Friends” was popular animated show that ran in one incarnation or another from 1973 to 1986 and featured a varying number of DC superheroes joining forces against all kinds of villains. The show had opposition to the spandex fighters running the gauntlet from aliens, monsters, master criminals, juvenile delinquents (no joke), and established super villains. In 1983, Hannah-Barbera produced eight “Super Friends” cartoons that didn’t air in the US (though they did in Australia) for several years. Each episode was comprised of three segments that told a stand alone story. Segments usually ran somewhere between five and eight minutes with the first segment featuring top of the line heroes, the second typically focused on the Wonder Twins, and the last using a mix of minor and more popular heroes.

“Lost Episode” One, Segment One -- “Mxyzptlk’s Revenge.”

Episode Cast:
Superman… Closet Bean Farmer.
Batman… Not Adam West.
Mr. Mxyzptlk … Possible Cereal Box Mascot.

Comments/Summary:
At the Hall of Justice, Batman and Superman loom over the Justice League Computer. Batman explains that the computer detects a strong magnetic field around the Hall, but no source can be determined. Superman means to check it out; however, they’re stopped in their tracks when a mysterious door suddenly appears behind them. A shrill voice then dares the duo to investigate the door, though Superman readily declares that he knows Mxyzptlk is cause. The door then opens and sucks both heroes into Mxyzptlk’s dimension (the fifth in fact). They then come face to face with the little imp, who declares them guilty of ruining his fun. Superman whispers to Bats telling him they must trick their pint-sized antagonist into saying his name backwards, but Mxyzptlk is quick to remind him that he can’t be banished from his home dimension. Are you getting all of this?

Batman gets tired of talking and throws a Baterang at the floating dwarf (who’s sporting a humongous nail file) only for Mxyzptlk to send it back to him at ten times its original size! Both men end up pinned to the ground by the giant “Bat Device” (his words, not mine), their obnoxious foe confiscates Batman’s utility belt and Superman’s cape. He even wears them, prancing around like a six year old trying on his dad’s work boots.

With the heroes subdued, Mxyzptlk magically sends Superman to an eternity working on a vegetable garden (?). Once there, Mxyzptlk orders Superman to start hoeing the field… and Superman complies! As he works, Superman--complete with straw hat--ruminates on a way to get out of the whole mess. He comes up with an idea pretty quickly: first he sprays Mxyzptlk with a water hose and then locks him in a nearby shed. The plan turns out to be futile since Mxyzptlk just teleports out of it, though Superman still braces the door for a few seconds anyway. Hey, at least he’s putting in the effort. Mxyzptlk then produces some Kryptonite; however, Superman isn’t affected by it in the fifth dimension! Aware of this, Mxyzptlk picks some green beans and proves that they have the desired effect on Supes. Superman, as well as I, is quite surprised by this. He then orders Superman back to work on the garden.

Meanwhile, Batman finally gets out from under his own weapon and starts exploring. He then looks behind a portrait of Mxyzptlk and finds a wall safe. Batman opens it in a matter of seconds only to find the actual Mxyzptlk waiting within. Amused, Mxyzptlk sends the meddler to a room where everything is upside down. Quickly, Batman gets dizzy and is seemingly incapacitated, but he’s able to momentarily trick Mxyzptlk into trapping himself in a pendulum clock. He then goes into another room only to find himself now stuck in a room turned sideways.

Superman ponders how he can escape, he comes up with an idea and then uses his super-hoeing powers to dig a hole right out of the garden and into the sideways room where Batman is with Mxyzptlk. I don’t even want to begin contemplating how all this works. I just don’t. Superman then declares that he and Batman will be leaving, which confuses Mxyzptlk. Superman then tricks him into saying his own name and that makes both heroes fade back into their own dimension. Mxyzptlk is, of course, befuddled and complains that he was tricked. You would think he’d know all the rules of his own dimension, but I guess not. When Batman and Superman arrive back at their own dimension, Mxyzptlk’s disembodied voice swears that he’ll get them next time.

You can say what you will about these Super Friends cartoons, but, man, a lot happens in a short amount of time. This particular short--the first of a three segment episode--didn’t even go seven minutes and it crammed a full thirty minutes worth of plot points in there (and then some). I wouldn’t say it was a great episode by any means, but for the “Super Friends” it’s a pretty adequate fluff piece. There’s nothing especially interesting about it beyond the astounding amount of pot induced nonsense some writers were able to compress into such a short period of time.

Scorecard:
Giant Baterang, One inter-dimensional doorway, Proof that eternal damnation is somewhere in Iowa, Anti-vegetable propoganda, fire hose to the face, Three vacuum portals, One tantrum, Attempted murder using a ceiling fan, One voice from another universe, Two Quantum Leaps, and One floating midget with a horrible skin rash and a wardrobe he stole from a Mississippi carnival.

Quotes:

Mxyzptlk: “As judge, jury, and executioner of my very own fifth dimensional universe, I herby declare you both guilty! Guilty! GUILTY!” *insane laughter*
Batman: “Of what crime?”
Mxyzptlk: “Of being super party poopers, what else?” *insane laughter*

Mxyzptlk: “Looks like I’m the best dressed super clown in town!” *insane laughter*

Batman: “I’ve done it!”
Mxyzptlk: “I’ll say you have, Bat Brains. For being a continued nuisance, and having pointed ears, I sentence you to fifty years… upside down!” *insane laughter*

Next Time… Some teen greasers ride a dilapidated roller coaster as part of an initiation, the Wonder Twins go see a movie, Zan proves he has no imagination, multiple safety lectures, the finer points of electrical maintenance, and more Gleak pratfalls than you’ve ever needed.

Rating: 2.

“The Adventures of Son Goku, Co-Starring Bulma’s Coin Purse.”

2010-04-12T09:24:00.000-07:00

MAY CONTAIN SPOILERS

Last Time… Bulma started to regret bringing Goku along with her, Goku learned more about girls than anyone ever wants to, Pilaf cut the cheese, animals were beaten senseless, Goku proved he could quite possibly be outsmarted by a turnip (though he makes a pretty mean shish-kabob), and everybody criticized everyone else about their personal grooming.

Episode Three, Season One -- “Nimbus Cloud of Roshi.”

Episode Cast:
Goku… Mop-Headed Ruffian.
Bulma… Teenage Genius.
Turtle… Confused Sea Animal.
Master Roshi… Old Perv (debut).
Emperor Pilaf… Accomplished Felon.
Shu… Accessory to Burglary.
Mai… Well Armed.

Comments/Summary:
As the episode opens, Goku is carrying Turtle to the sea while Bulma follows on a motorcycle. Turtle is appreciative, though Bulma is still irritated that her venture has been delayed. None of them are aware that a large, bear samurai is watching from a far (he's hungry for Turtle, so much that he's SALIVATING like a mincing pedophile). The monster confronts them on the road and demands Goku relinquish his new friend. Bulma supports the idea out of fear, but Goku blows him off. Bulma runs away and then Goku dispatches the bad guy with a punch to face (blood even spurts out of his face!).

Afterwards, Goku is curious that some find turtles good to eat; however, Turtle strongly denies this saying his meat is poisonous. Goku finally gets Turtle to the sea and it asks Goku to wait for him to return because he has a gift for him. Bulma hopes it’s not a “stupid shell.”

Meanwhile, Emperor Pilaf dreams of riding a white horse while people bow to him. He is announced as Supreme Ruler of the World and covets a dragon ball. He’s awoken by Shu and Mai who return and tell him of their failure to procure one of the balls. Pilaf is angry until he gets a phone call from some unknown source that tells him an old man named Roshi possesses a dragon ball. Pilaf sends his henchmen to get it, but then decides to go along since they keep screwing up.

Goku and Bulma are still waiting on the beach, soon they recognize Turtle approaching them with a strange old man in a Hawaiian shirt riding atop him. He introduces himself as the Turtle Hermit. Roshi wants to give him a gift for helping his Turtle and tries to summon a magic carpet; unfortunately, the Turtle reminds Roshi took the carpet to the cleaners. Roshi then decides to give him the flying Nimbus if, and only if, Goku can ride it. The Nimbus, a flying yellow cloud, soon comes. Goku confuses it for food.

Master Roshi then informs both kids of the Nimbus’ rules: you must be pure of heart to ride the cloud because it’s picky. The old man tries to demonstrate, but can’t ride it (and as we’ll find out later, it’s for VERY good reason). Bulma laughs at his failure. Goku is successful though and flies around a bit.

Pilaf and company fly over the sea and find Roshi’s island, which is very small and only has his “Kame House” residing on its shore. After establishing that the hermit isn’t home, Pilaf tries to pick the lock only for his henchmen to break in with ease while he struggles. They begin to search for the dragon ball.

Back on the shore, Bulma wants a gift as well. Turtle says she didn’t help him and Roshi decides to give her a gift as part of a barter. Roshi suggests letting him see her underwear, which doesn’t thrill her in the least. Instead of rebuking the offer, she finally does it and Roshi gets a nose bleed. Being a hussie, she immediately demands her gift for the peep show. Roshi debates about what to give her, but Bulma notices a dragon ball around his neck and pleads with the hermit to give it to him. He does and reveals he didn’t know the ball had any special powers.

Back at Bulma’s portable house, Bulma freaks out when she realizes she wasn’t wearing any underwear (since Goku took them off before she woke up). It occurs to her that the peepshow she gave Roshi was a lot more than she intended.

Back on Roshi’s island, neither Pilaf or his goons can find the dragon ball, so Pilaf approaches an alligator (wearing sunglasses) and browbeats him about Roshi’s whereabouts. Roshi appears right after and they demand to know where the dragon ball is, but the Hermit tells them he gave it away. They go to leave in their jet and ask Roshi for a push only for the old man to punch a whole in their hull before sending them out to sea. The Turtle Hermit giggles as they cast off and quickly sink.

As the episode ends, Bulma and Goku are once again riding off to find the next dragon ball while Pilaf and the gang disappear underneath the ocean’s surface.

Scorecard:
Knife play, Gore galore, Bad mail carrier impersonation, Turtle surfing, Underage peepshow, Random alligator sunbathing, Breaking and entering, Assault with a pocket knife, Ransack jamboree, Machine gun fire, Fart jokes, Wood beats metal and more bad fashion than you can shake a fist at.

Quotes:

Goku: “So some creatures think you’re good to eat, huh?”
Turtle: “What? Oh No, turtle meat is tough and poisonous! You’d puke.”
Goku: “That’s what I thought. Some people will eat anything.”

Roshi: “I think I’ll have to side with Turtle on this one, but I could be persuaded to change my mind. For instance, if you were to let me see your underwear.”
Turtle: “Master, what are you doing?”
Bulma: “You want to see my underwear?!?”

Roshi: “Can’t a master take a break from training and have a little fun?”
Turtle: “Now I understand why you couldn’t ride your cloud.”
Roshi: “Mind your tongue!”

Next Time… Small children are abducted by a shape shifting monster to become his wives (eww…), Goku chases around all manners of beasts and crazies, Goku develops one of his uncouth social habits, and a new character joins Bulma’s quest for the dragon balls.

Rating: 4.

“Goku Has a Strange Obsession With Balls (And NOT the Dragon Kind).”

2010-04-09T08:40:00.000-07:00

MAY CONTAIN SPOILERS

Last Time… We met Goku, Bulma, and the Pilaf Bunch, found out what’s so great about the dragon balls, were subjected to naked Goku for the first time (and surely not the last), and proved there’s no shame in wetting yourself in the face of consumption by a brutish flying reptile.

Episode Two, Season One -- “The Emperor’s Quest.”

Episode Cast:
Goku… Wild-Haired Midget.
Bulma… Slutty Sociopath.
Emperor Pilaf… Complete Rube.
Shu… Scapegoat.
Mai… Least Stupid Thus Far.
Turtle… Talking Animal (debut).

Summary/Comments:
Goku and Bulma stop for the night after a full day of traveling and set up camp for the night, which allows goku to marvel at the many technological advances at Bulma’s disposal. He immediately confuses the dynocaps she carries as magic and is apprehensive, thinking Bulma maybe a witch (and by his connotation that’s not a good thing). One of Bulma’s luxuries is a dome-like house with working plumbing, electricity, and hot water. Goku is impressed, especially by the working television.

Later, Bulma complains that Goku smells and finds out he doesn’t understand what a bath is. Bulma also confirms--much to her shock--that Goku’s monkey tail is real and is fully prehensile. Goku attempts to assist Bulma when she takes a bath, as she did for him, but she’s not very appreciative.

Goku complains that he’s hungry and finds Bulma’s processed food dissatisfying. After trying to drink coffee he decides to go out and look for some more palatable eats.

Meanwhile, Emperor Pilaf is approached by Shu and we learn that his ultimate plan for the dragon balls is to rule the world. The most generic bad guy plan ever. Shu bemoans his assignment to look for the remaining balls and asks why one isn’t enough, obviously he wasn’t paying attention in the last episode where the whole wish-granting process was explained TWICE for everyone’s benefit. Pilaf goes on a rant until he farts, but blames it on Shu (who’s a dog so it’s pretty funny). He then captures him in a strange contraption and forces Shu to admit that he cut the cheese. Mai interrupts with news about one of the dragon balls. Pilaf sends his two cronies to obtain it.

Goku spots Mai and Shu in their dwarf fighter jet as it lands in a chasm full of voracious wolves. He confuses their plane for a monster, but gets distracted by the wolf pack and beats them senseless. Mai and Shu try to escape in the jet only to get taken down by Goku.

When Goku returns, he and Bulma sort out the sleeping arrangements. Goku elaborates more on his past and how his grandfather found him abandoned in the wilderness one day when he was just a baby.

The next morning, Goku wakes up and decides to sleep on top of Bulma only to discover the, uh, genital disparity between women and men. Goku removes her panties, looks at her crotch, and promptly freaks out (hey, as a kid those things look like Lovecraftian nightmares), which wakes Bulma up. The comedy continues until Goku decides to go outside and exercise, by which he means breaking boulders that happen to be laying around. He picks one up only to realize it’s a sea turtle that starts talking to him.

The turtle is trying to get to the sea and has been trying for several years and he’s not even close. Goku offers to carry him to the ocean, though Bulma is not enthused about the detour. Goku decides to go anyway and Bulma eventually relents when she realizes the absurd number of dangers that surround her (including dinosaurs and other monsters aimlessly stomping about the horizon).

The episode concludes with Goku and Bulma reuniting to take the Turtle to the ocean.

Scorecard:
One Goku penis, One bubble bath, One fart, Two dozen KO’d wolves, One explosion, Jail Bait cleavage, One giant dinosaur, Heavy petting, Canine barbeque, and a bad music video by Divo.

Quotes:

Bulma: “I happen to be one of the most beautiful women you’ll ever see. What do I have to be ashamed about?”
Goku: “Not having a tail.”
Bulma: “That’s it, get out of my face.”

Pilaf: “Bossing people around is one of my strong points.”

Bulma: “Early birds, you can HAVE you’re nasty, old worm.”

Next Time… Goku receives a valuable gift, meets a strange old man from the sea, fights a giant something or other, while Pilaf proves he’s a master of breaking and entering, and something Goku did in Ep. #2 leads to more hilarity since everyone seems to want to see Bulma’s beaver.

Rating: 3.

"Future Reviews."

2010-04-08T11:04:00.000-07:00

Some up coming articles:

Dragon Balls (Ep. 2 and 3)
Super Friends ("Lost" Episode 1 -- 3 segments)
Ultraman (Ep. 1)

Some other shows I'm looking at include LOTS of Hannah-Barbera including Godzilla, King Kong, and other Super Friends incarnations. Also, Super Robot Red Baron.

“Normal Boys Don’t Have Monkey Tails Nor Do They Turn Down Hanky-Panky.”

2010-04-07T08:40:00.001-07:00

MAY CONTAIN SPOILERS

There are very few shows that have the breadth of the Dragon Ball universe, it’s a behemoth when looking from the outside in and it’s size is hardly diminished even for someone who is ‘in the know.’ The show focuses on Goku and his various quests that often involve the titular Dragon Balls, which are seven magical orbs that can summon a wish granting dragon when gathered together. Dragon Ball is the first of three series to chronicle Goku’s journeys and covers his life from childhood to his emergence as a young adult. In that time he meets all manners of quirky characters, strange monsters, and diabolical villains. As the first episode begins, we find our protagonist poised for his first adventure.

Episode One, Season One -- “Secret of the Dragon Balls.”

Episode Cast:
Goku… Our Hero, Special Ed Candidate (debut).
Bulma… High School Genius, Tramp (debut).
Emperor Pilaf… Evil, Spoiled Midget (debut).
Shu… Pilaf’s Henchman (debut).
Mai… Pilaf’s Other Henchperson (debut).

Comments:
This first episode begins by filling us in on the show’s main character, Goku, who was found in the forest by his adoptive grandfather, Gohan, and raised to understand the martial arts. A narrator briefly covers the boy’s past and the fact that Gohan has since passed on, leaving Goku alone to take care of his prized dragon ball. Goku lives in a remote piece of wilderness where he survives by catching his own food and performing all the remedial tasks necessary. Eventually, he meets Bulma, a teenager looking to collect all seven dragon balls in order to make a wish.

Bulma has to fill Goku in on the purpose of the dragon balls as he values the four-star ball only because it was the only thing his grandfather left him. Goku talks to the ball and believes that Gohan’s spirit resides inside the orb. Much to Bulma’s chagrin, his sentimental value of the ball makes it impossible to convince him to give it to her.

Throughout the episode, Goku shows a distinct lack of awareness for the world beyond his Macro-sphere; he doesn‘t understand what a car is (mistaking it for a monster), has never seen a girl before, and is perplexed that Bulma doesn‘t have a tail. Later on he explains that he had never seen another human being besides his grandfather until her.

Meanwhile, Emperor Pilaf and his cronies have acquired their first dragon ball (the one star ball). Mai, his female henchperson, must explain the dragon balls to him when he presumes he can make a wish with just one ball. This is only the first of many instances where Pilaf proves himself to be a bumbling, somewhat loveable, villain.

Bulma finally gets Goku to go along with her to collect the rest of the dragon balls, though Goku vehemently denies that he will let Bulma use the four star ball to make her wish. She relents, planning to trick him into it later. Bulma also reveals that she wants to wish for “the perfect boyfriend.” She also introduces the Dragon Radar, which allows her to home in on the energy signal of the dragon balls (Quite possibly the most important piece of technology in the entire show).

The last major event, and first opponent for Goku in the show, is a giant Pterosaur of some sort that abducts Bulma when she wanders off for a “pit stop.” He also ties Goku to a tree, though he easily escapes. Goku eventually saves Bulma by cracking the monster on the head with his Power Pole, a red staff that can lengthen and retract on his verbal command. It is also very durable and seemingly indestructible (as will be demonstrated later in the series).

By the end credits, Bulma is stranded up on a cliff hanging by the Power Pole wetting herself while Goku watches from down below.

I can’t think of too many TV shows that have had a stronger first show than “Dragon Ball” and it’s not nearly as tedious as most. Typically I’m not a fan of first shows because the dynamics of the characters and story haven’t been ironed out yet. “Dragon Ball” is an exception because all the crucial elements already click, making it far less of a burden to watch.

Scorecard:
One naked Goku, Two urination scene, monkey tail fishing, Two panty shot, Pistol fire to the an adolescent child, Teenager selling her body to a five-year old, One motorcycle stunt, One giant piranha, and One talking pterosaur that knows how to tie a pretty solid butterfly knot.

Quotes:

Goku: “I was just checking to see if you had a tail. Don’t worry, maybe it just takes girls longer to grow theirs.”
Bulma: “I’m sure it will sprout up any time, kid.”

Bulma: “Now look, if you think we’re going to do anything improper, you can forget it.”
Goku: “Improper? What’s that?”

Bulma: “You let me have your dragon ball and I’ll let you have a little peak.”
Goku: “What do I care about seeing your dirty old fanny?”
Bulma: “It is not dirty you rude little boy!”

Next Time… MORE naked Goku, the wonders of babysitting a midget karate master, proof that Bulma is a hussie (and most likely bipolar), and more toilet humor.

Rating: 4.

"New Header and a Visual Guide to the Raiting System."

2010-04-01T17:09:00.000-07:00

I've got the new header up and I think it will be good for now. Pretty sure it will be changed in the next few months, depending on when I get time to tinker with the damn thing.

I wanted to give everyone a visual representation of my rating system, it's pretty cut and dry, but some people want it all explained thoroughly.

THE FIVE ALARM RATING SYSTEM

The Ratings cover a One through Five scale with One being the lowest (negative) and Five being the highest (positive). The numbers go up and down in whole intervals, so there's no 3.5 or 2 and a half. The lowest positive rating is a three.

Below the numerical scale is a flag for truly God awful shows, I haven't made a graphic up for it yet though. Don't worry, when I use it you'll know what it is.

I may add some more depth to it at later and, if I do, I will update this post to explain it all. Until then, do what comes natural.

"An Obligatory Obligation and Earnest Orientation"

2010-04-01T16:35:00.000-07:00

It’s April Fool’s Day, I can’t think of a more appropriate day to christen my new project and sending it into the vast sea of the internet. “Five Alarm TV” was born out a vague notion several months ago when I was watching an old episode of the “Aqua Man” cartoon I had found. Nostalgic as I am prone to be, there was a certain magic watching it play before my eyes. By the time it was over, the feelings of wonder, awe, curiosity, and bemusement were distilled to one unified thought,

“Oh man, who could watch this stuff?”

To be fair, I’ve got nothing against old TV shows (though there are LOTS of them worth taking to task). I would go as far as saying I have many fond memories of watching shows like “Challenge of the Superfriends,” “Wacky Racers,” and “Voltron.” Don’t even get me started on “Scooby-Doo” and the various spin-offs that it spawned. That show practically devoured my early childhood. I can’t remember my twelfth birthday, but I damn sure remember sitting down in front of the television waiting to see Scooby and the gang unmask the Creeper.

There was a specific moment that stuck with me from that show. It wasn’t an amazing moment or anything, but as a kid it scared to he bejeezus out of me. In the episode “Decoy for a Dognapper (Season 1)” the gang discovers a puppet maker sleeping in his workshop and when they try to wake him up, he’s revealed to be a puppet himself! It was a freaky moment for a six-year old kid and, in some weird way, it personified everything that makes a lot of these old shows fun to revisit. There’s something to be said for honest to God intrigue, especially when current television is so disingenuous.

I could talk forever about the good shows and fond memories, but there’s also the other side. I’ve already touched on “Aqua Man,” the inspiration for this site; however, there’s a whole lot more. Like most things in life, the crap outweighs the jewels by a country mile. Even if you liked some of these shows as a kid, I would advise everyone to go and watch them again because some of them are execrable.

Remember “Space Sentinels”? How about “Birdman and the Galaxy Trio” (the actual show, not the comedic Adult Swim show with the same character)? Even such luminaries like “the Jetsons” and “G.I. Joe” are eye straining when seen today. Here’s some more: “Space Ghost and Dino Boy,” “Dungeons & Dragons,” “King Kong,” “Jabberjaw,” and “Josie and the Pussycats.” The list could on longer than the last scene in 2001: A Space Odyssey.

There’s the good, there’s bad, and then there’s the laughable. I’m sure I’ll be seeing my fill of each as I go through episodes of various shows that will range from the seventies through the nineties. Maybe I’ll bring up something you will remember, maybe something that’s been locked in the recesses of your brain for a long, long time.

My policy for judging the quality of a TV episode is based on three principles:

-- Does it appeal to the fan base?
-- Does it contribute to the progression of the show?
-- Does it accomplish the goal of the series as a whole?

To highlight my opinion, I have the Five Alarm System. Sort of like measuring the heat from chili at a cook off, ONE ALARM is coolest and least impressive. It’s hardly worth consuming because it’s so bland and tasteless. At the other end of the spectrum, FIVE ALARM is the most potent and overflowing with flavor and intensity. It’s the sort of thing we crave in our TV.

As cheesy as it all sounds, I’m sure it’ll work just fine and, hopefully, I’ll be illuminating the dark heart of the internet with my first article in the next week or so. Until then, stay hungry friends.